How to Recognize Emotional Unavailability

Jennifer Elizabeth Masters, Saturday, July 27
Jennifer Elizabeth Masters happy in San Francisco 2013

Emotional unavailability has gotten a bad rap. How often have you heard a friend say that the man she is dating is emotionally unavailable? Or rather her husband is. It is so easy to recognize the signs in another person. What about ourselves? No….  it couldn’t be…… that was my reaction when it happened to me.

Where does it come from? Why does it happen? 

Emotional unavailability is a symptom rather than a cause. It is an unconscious emotional response to trauma or emotional shock. It could occur during childhood molestation, or in an abusive relationship. Emotional unavailability is your unconscious mind protecting you to help you through a situation or relationship(s). 

If you find yourself in a relationship with a partner who is emotionally unavailable, you are unavailable emotionally as well. This is one of the biggest denials that we have as humans. So easy to spot in others, yet very difficult to see it in ourselves. If you continue to look for “the perfect partner” and have yet to find him, it is likely you have it as well.

The person who is emotionally unavailable cannot meet your emotional or physical needs and they may put you in harms way. They can use emotion as a weapon and become an abuser themselves. Below is a list of issues that you will find with someone who is emotionally unavailable, not all apply to everyone.

What Are The Characteristics of Emotional Unavailability

  • Inconsistent. Don’t say what they mean and do what they say. Do not follow through on what they say they will do.
  • Avoid being direct. When questioned about feelings will avoid being clear.
  • Deep meaningful subjects are avoided.
  • Constantly looking for the “Perfect Partner” 
  • Can be adrenaline junkies. Can have lots of friends in the same category.
  • Inauthentic. Can have the “fake it till I make it” motto
  • Difficulty with intimacy. You keep your eyes closed during sex.
  • Can be in relationships, but have an emotional block like a garage door to protect themselves from being hurt. Feels like you can only go so far and then no further.
  • Inauthentic, often hiding who they are from their partners, friends and others for fear they will be rejected if someone knew who they really were
  • Tend to push people away often with words or anger.
  • Can be serial monogamists, yet avoid deep emotional intimacy.
  • Can avoid social or sexual contact altogether.
  • Avoidance is a pattern throughout their lives.
  • Lack of trust of self and ability to make healthy choices and decisions.

My Personal Discovery of Emotional Unavailability(A Gift From My Cat)

In Loving Memory

Magical Reiki Cat Lydia 2004-2013

We never know why things happen the way they do. It is not until after the fact that we can look from a different perspective and line up the dots to see the connection of everything that happens in our lives. This story is one of those that connects the dots beautifully.

When my son David, was born in London, England, I was in the middle of recognizing that my marriage was over. It took five more years to file for divorce, we were emotionally separated already. I was so bereft at this recognition I disconnected from my heart to be able to cope. My husband gave me two beautiful sons with amazing hearts and minds. At the time of David’s birth, I was emotionally unavailable. I did not know it at the time. I was barely able to cope with life. I did not have a clue how I had closed my heart and certainly no idea when it happened.

David Gates and his beautiful wife, Ashley (b.f. wedding)

Fast forward 19 years to 2004. An amazing cat was gifted to my daughter Ariel and I. We had to drive to Murphy, North Carolina to get her. My spiritual mentor, Lynette Lindsey told me that this cat, (we named Lydia) was very special. I just didn’t see it at the time. I didn’t have a clue. I was just divorcing my 3rd husband who was abusive, but gave me my  gifted, beautiful daughter, Ariel. Ariel was born awake (conscious seeing spirits from birth and a natural channel). A rarity in this day and time. This daughter came to me through the angelic realm. I was told in advance I was going to have a daughter. That I needed to go through a cleansing process, fasting and detoxing to be able to carry her. I had no idea what I was in for. I was guided to get pregnant with this child even though I was not married. I wasn’t supposed to marry her father (or was I?). I never thought I would ever wind up telling this amazing story, because I am not Virgin Mary. I was told I could not have another child – yet she came anyway. I nearly died, as did Ariel in the process, but here we both are today giving our gifts to the world.

For Heaven Scapes crew, 2006
Adam & David Gates, Jennifer and Ariel Resuta

Lydia was later named the “Reiki Cat” because she would sit on her hind legs and perform “Reiki” on whoever needed it at the time. I was the one that received the bulk of her special gifts. What I did not know was the depth of her love and service to me. I also did not know then  that she had a human soul within her. Yes, sometimes human souls give up an incarnation to be in service to us mere humans to teach us something other humans cannot possibly achieve. It is rare. But so is this story.

I adamantly refused to take this cat. I already had two cats, had just experienced tremendous financial difficulties with my husband, Rich.  We were in the going through a long legal battle of divorce and custody. I was just scraping by in the winter with my landscaping business. What I didn’t need was another mouth to feed.

Lydia the Magic Cat – 2013
Lynette was certain that this cat was magical and I had to have her. It seemed no matter how I tried, there was a status quo in my menagerie. I always seemed to balance best with four pets. Either two dogs and two cats, or three cats and a dog. I had just buried our Siamese cat Mei Ling after 15 years and was beginning to be comfortable with fewer pets. I wasn’t even trying to find another animal and one showed up all on its own. Status Quo, balance is always achieved on its own.

Ariels’ father had just moved out after 11 years together. He would have interceded if he was still with us. We clearly did not ‘need ‘ another animal. We drove up to Murphy, North Carolina to get this cat I didn’t want, because my spiritual mentor insisted there was something there for us. Little did I know just how accurate Lynette was.

Lydia was so tiny she fit comfortably in Ariel’s 7-year-old hand. The two of them nestled together in the front seat of my truck and slept the entire way back to Atlanta. Lydia and Ariel played together, and eventually the other cats accepted her as well.

Lydia performed Reiki on anyone she felt needed it. She would sit on her hind legs and bring her two front paws together moving them in a circular motion. When she wanted outside she sat facing the door doing Reiki on it. As often as not, the door magically opened and out she would go, very matter of factly. There was no doubt that this cat was special. I just didn’t know how special until her life was coming to a close.

Lydia survived 11 moves in 9 years, including two long distance moves from Georgia to Boulder, Colorado and Colorado to California. In my journey to find peace and happiness, I moved a lot. Once I found it, I began to follow my internal guidance. During the 9 years we had Lydia she became the matriarch of our household. She was the boss-lady of our animals. She could stop another cat leaping to my desk with an evil glare. Lydia had the place of honor on my desk where I worked.

Cats absorb negativity. The more negativity they absorb the faster they use up their lives. They help us heal. Lydia joined us in the middle of one divorce and saw me through my marriage and quick divorce to a gay man. He was trying desperately to be “normal.” It is difficult to hide for long when married to a psychic medium and channel with a channel for a daughter. Lydia absorbed my pain and suffering when I was finally fully vested in a marriage.

Lydia’s real purpose was the healing of my emotional unavailability. Healing happens in stages. Each epiphany takes you to a higher plane.  I had awakened in 2012, while living in Boulder, Colorado. Being awakened or enlightened does not mean that there is no more room for healing, it does however change a lot. Fear falls away. You become vastly more centered without any separation from you and God. You are able to live in the moment instead of the past and future. You are not triggered by every little thing. When someone tells you that you have an issue, you look at it without balking or getting angry or upset. People can critique you without your feeling offended. You consider what was said and feel if there is truth to it. If there is you make appropriate changes. You stop taking things so personally and see situations more globally. Your ego quiets down and guidance is much stronger. Mind chatter ceases and denial has falls away. You become completely honest about yourself and your faults and lovingly accept them all. You are okay with yourself as you are. In fact, you really love yourself fully.

Personally, I believe all cats and dogs are already enlightened. After all dog is God spelled backwards. Lydia sat on my desk day in and day out purring while I talked with and cleared my clients. She lay on my books and purred all day long. She was my healing cat. She did as much work on clients as I did. She also absorbed negativity. Her body looked like that of a 22 year-old kitty, not one of only 9 years.

About three months ago, Lydia sat on my lap and pointed out (through visions she placed in my mind) that when she arrived in our household, I was recovering from my divorce from Ariel’s father. I was unavailable emotionally. She helped me connect the dots. Throughout her life with us she tried to get me to connect deeply with her, like I did with our other animals. What she helped me recognize is that because she came into our household while I was emotionally unavailable that pattern existed within me even now in my interaction with her. She also helped me see that my relationship with David (my middle) child was similar. Since David was conceived during a last ditch attempt to save my marriage with his father, David arrived at a time when I was completely emotionally unavailable. David had a challenging childhood. As my interaction with him through his life continued to be one of emotional detachment. I was not able to see this until several events occurred which opened a door to my unconscious mind. Lydia was instrumental in helping me to connect the dots between both divorces and relationships with both Lydia and David. Even though Lydia showed up in animal form, our relationships with our pets mirror those of our children. Depending on when a child is conceived, our relationship reflects where we are in our lives and what healing has occurred.

Emotional unavailability is our unconscious mind’s way of providing protection when we are going through challenges emotionally. It is not something that we do consciously. We don’t say, I will tune out so that I can handle these life events. It happens automatically to protect us.

Divorce is one of the biggest life events that we can go through, likened to a death. We go through a grieving process, denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression/sadness, acceptance and often start all over again. Emotional unavailability is a component of coping with the sadness and loss that divorce brings. Recovering and opening your heart again is a conscious choice that involves recognition that you have been unavailable emotionally. Until there is an awareness that you have closed your heart  nothing can be done to change it. It does not magically open or dissipate in spite of you. Recognition is the first step. Acknowledging that you are now safe and the issues no longer exist will help. Letting go of fear of having your heart broken is something that must occur if you are to have a deep and lasting connection with someone. Learning to trust yourself is the foundation for this healing to occur.

Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is a Self Love coach helping women open their hearts to love and live authentically. Jennifer is a healed healer, self-actualized and enlightened, living happily and authentically. The more you love yourself the more others love you also. Love Yourself Fearlessly is Jennifer’s catchphrase. When you love yourself fearlessly others are magnetized to you. Money and earning power increases, because money is also magnetized to you. Money is the same energy as LOVE. Oh YA! If you are having difficulty finding a partner, being happy with life or you, contact Jennifer now. If she can do it – you can too! Check out Jennifer’s book:  Odyssey Victim to Victory

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