When Sex Hurts

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

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For most of us, when we think of sex, it is with a smile remembering the last time we had a wonderful experience of pleasure and maybe even orgasm.

For some women pleasure is totally absent if there has been a long absence of regular sex.
Painful intercourse (dyspareunia)

Sex can be painful if your partner has not taken enough time to get your vagina relaxed and aroused if you are under 50. Sex play is an important part of love-making. If your partner is not taking his or her time with you, speak up. Tell them what you need. Rushing sex for a man, may be pleasurable, but women probably won’t experience an orgasm this way and your partner is showing you a lack of consideration by not getting you ready for penetration. Slow down. Sex is so much better when it isn’t over in a heated rush. (Remember the Pointer Sister’s song?)

For post-menopausal women and some pre-menopausal women, sex is painful. When it hurts there is nothing a regular lubricant can do. The lower estrogen levels cause the vagina to shorten, become drier and the tissue to become fragile and extremely sensitive. Pushing forward will only increase the pain.
Eros and liquid silk can be effective at relieving this issue. For those who want a more natural method, practice, practice and more practice!

The best way to increase hormone levels is to gradually increase sex play. Be patient. As our bodies age, we need more time to raise our sexual energy. What used to happen within a few seconds,  may take 20 or 30 minutes of foreplay before intercourse can take place. Focus on oral sex, or digital stimulation to raise hormonal levels. If even oral sex is painful, digitally stimulate your clitoris daily. Daily orgasms and raising your sexual energy will also increase the production of hormones. Be patient it will happen. Having sex once a month or less is not often enough to keep your hormones at their optimum level. As we age, our urges may diminish. However, regular sex play is the way to go to keep your vagina in shape for a healthy sexual relationship. Like anything else, if you stop exercising you gain weight. If you stop eating healthy you become ill. If you stop having sex, your vagina will shorten, and become fragile. 


If you don’t use it, you lose it!

The key is regular sex play. Sex doesn’t have to include intercourse every time. There are many ways to enjoy each other’s body, snuggle, cuddle, stroke, massage, kiss and touch that can bring pleasure to the body. We all need touch. Most of us, do not get enough especially in long-term marriages. The key to having a vital happy relationship is to keep touching one another. To fondle, hold hands and kiss your partner when you walk by them. Let them know you love them with your eyes and your touch, not just your words. 

The key is having a partner who does not want to hurt you and will stop when you say STOP! Men, please take heed. A tender vagina can mean excruciating intercourse. Be respectful and listen to your partner. Do not ignore, “It hurts, I can’t do this.” Pushing forward instead of, slowing down and re-grouping could mean an end to ANY sex play in the future. 
For those of you who wonder what it feels like, I liken the feeling of dyspareunia to having a fire in your vagina, not in a good way. Pushing or thrusting forward when there is pain will not make it go away. Saying, “relax,” does not make your partner relax when you are trying to stuff your penis into a fiery cavern.
When you stop having sex and even masturbation, your hormone levels drop because you are not using your vagina. The body saves it’s energy by not producing what is not needed. However, when you find a partner or decide to resume sexual activity and have not been stimulating yourself to orgasm with regularity, you could be in for a painful surprise.
Following are ways to increase your sexual energy to increase hormone production naturally.
  1. Dance and move your pelvis. Thrust the pelvis, up and down, to open up the sacral chakra. Not only will this increase sexual energy, it will also open you up to be more abundant financially as it opens up the second chakra.
  2. Become more unconventional with your sex life. Have sex in other rooms than just the bedroom and at different times. Sex does not always have to be at night. Afternoon can be a wonderful time to luxuriate naked with one another and take your time. You will feel less tired in the afternoon than the end of the day and have more energy.
  3. Daily stimulation with a vibrator or finger on the clitoris will not damage the vagina and will increase hormonal production and natural vaginal lubrication.
  4. Gently insert a finger into the vagina at least twice a week to stretch and get your body to remember what it naturally used to do.
  5. Get over any shame by looking at what is coming up for you emotionally. If you have a new partner, ask is this partner someone you should really be with? Are they kind, compassionate or more concerned about their satisfaction?
  6. Read erotica to get your mind turned on before sex. Women need their mind in the game for arousal to occur.
  7. Talk to each other about your sexual fantasies. 
  8. Use dirty talk.
  9. Make sex a game. Really! Buy a sex board game and have some fun!
  10. Wear sexy lingerie.
  11. Buy something new for yourself that makes you feel sexy.
  12. Change positions and vary the type of play you perform.
  13. Introduce a feather, massage, or maybe a blindfold. 
  14. Change it up.
  15. Sex does not have to be boring – use your imagination. Have some fun!
  16. Without the fear of pregnancy and children running around this could be a wonderful time of life for you both. 


Vaginismus can cause deep and superficial pain. There are emotional factors that can cause painful intercourse. Issues could be a restrictive upbringing where sex was thought to be dirty or shameful. Pain could be from an emotional memory of rape, sexual molestation in childhood or another emotional issue surfacing from a past relationship. The key is to know that this can be cured. Compassion, understanding and patience along with a sex coach can help. 
Other products that can help by plumping up the cells to retain more moisture are:
cocoanut oil – natural and organic thicker than other lubricants
Water- and silicone-based lubricants may be the best ones to use. Those  that contain niacin and L-arginine may increase sexual pleasure quicker by increasing blood flow to the region.
Sex urges continue well into our 70’s and 80’s. If you are not having sex, you may want to re-think it. Sex is a part of a healthy loving relationship. It opens the door to continued intimacy and deeper love. Enjoy, be patient and don’t give up on this part of love. It is important. The added bonus is that you will live longer and happier at the same time.

Jennifer is a life, love and sex coach. Her compassion and understanding coupled with empathy make her the perfect coach for your delicate issues. Jennifer has had her own. Check out her new website. Some issues are being worked on. So please bare with us. Visit Jennifer’ site now

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