By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
It is easier to notice emotional unavailability in others than to notice it within ourselves. When we are able to point it out in others, it is time to look within. We rarely see issues in other people unless, we too have them within us. If you don’t believe me it is time to book your cruise up Denial. (Not to be confused with the River Nile.)
Recognizing that we are emotionally unavailable can be difficult. We feel broken in some way, perhaps even shut down. Which is true. Being emotionally unavailable means that we are not able to connect deeply with another. In our relationships we have superficial affection and love, rather than deep connected and authentic love. We often blame others for our circumstances and have difficulty taking responsibility for our own part in situations.
I am a master at emotional unavailability because I was one of those who pointed it out in my husband and lovers. I know how difficult it was for me to recognize that I was emotionally unavailable. I had been on my healing journey for over 20 years when it hit me. I had it too!
Alcoholics, addicts and co-dependent people are emotionally unavailable. Take your pick I used to fit in all of the categories.
I was married to a workaholic. I dated an alcoholic. I was a shopaholic. I battled a sugar addiction. I used to be extremely codependent. Actually, my sense is that most people deal with codependency at some point in their lives. We attract others that are emotionally unavailable. Our partners provide a mirror to our own soul, issues and trigger mechanisms. As infants we are extremely codependent. If we are not given the love, affection and acceptance in our childhood, we remain codependent as adults. When trauma occurs in childhood, we are often frozen emotionally in this place and time. Our inner child never matures. We continually go back to the point of trauma when we are triggered in our relationships.
Being codependent means that you need another to feel fulfilled. Without a person or substance to fill the void that you feel inside emotionally, you can feel empty, broken, afraid or all of the above. You could fill that hole inside with work, shopping or food. Alcohol, pot, sugar, pain-killers, relationships, or even methamphetamine could be your drug of choice. Most humans have some form of addiction at some point in their lives. Being aware of it, rather than in denial is part of the healing. Taking responsibility for our part and recognizing we have the issue is a huge part of the process.
Before I began to heal from my own addictions and codependence, I was reactive in relationships and often depressed. I looked for a man to fill the void that I felt inside me. It never lasted long, because I continued to feel unhappy with life, myself and the world.
Often we blame our bosses, co-workers or parents for where we are. If you are blaming anyone for anything right now, you are likely emotionally unavailable and probably codependent as well. You are in good company. Most movie stars, rock stars and famous people are the most needy. Just because people look beautiful on the outside does not mean that they are confident, self assured and strong on the inside.
When we love and accept ourselves, the codependence diminishes. Eventually we recognize that it is no longer present at all. We no longer feel lonely, afraid or in need of another to fill the void, because there is no void any more. We feel whole, complete, happy alone, no matter where we are. There is no longing for something to fill us, or complete us. We are already complete.
For me, the process of healing began with the ending of my third marriage. In the ten years between marriages I worked diligently on myself. I studied, read, learned and evolved. I saw healers, chiropractors, acupuncturists, psychics, hypnotherapists and Reiki masters. I became a hypnotherapist, energy healer and deeply connected in the process of my healing. I experienced an awakening in 2012 that changed my life forever. This awakening changed my heart and filled me to overflowing. Loneliness, longing does not exist for me any longer. Instead, I live in peace, love and joy.
The key to healing emotional unavailability is complete self acceptance and unconditional love of the self. This is what I help my clients with. I have done it myself. There was never anyone more emotionally broken, shattered, negative or codependent than me. If I can do it, so can you!
You cannot love yourself when you hold a baseball bat in one hand to beat yourself up with and a magnifying glass in the other to magnify all your faults. We all have faults and we all have a shadow side. Loving all those parts is what unconditional love is all about. Doing this on your own could take you a lifetime like it took me. Or you could ask for my help. The choice is yours.
One of the things that helped me was The Divine Presence Process Meditation. I did it daily, sometimes two or three times a day. I had mystical experiences during this time. On one such day, I climbed into bed in Boulder, Colorado for a nap and showed up on a pool deck my son, David was cleaning in Atlanta, Georgia. We are so much more than you realize. You have the power to fill this void. I would be delighted to assist and empower you to do so. http://youtu.be/8RNHrXoWWsc
Below are some ways to begin to open up, let go of fear and allow someone in:
- Awareness of an issue shines light where darkness has been. Once you are aware, your issues can begin to change.
- Tell your partner you are working on some deep issues. Ask for support in your growth process.
- Know that you are not broken. Your heart closed up to protect you. When you feel safe enough you will begin to open and let down the walls.
- Spend time in quiet, repose. Go within and forgive yourself. Self forgiveness is the first step in letting go of walls that divide you from deep authenticity.
- Use the Kahuna healing prayer and talk to your inner child envision your inner child and look them in their eyes while saying: I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you thank you.
- Envision yourself hugging your inner child. You may cry. You may feel relief.
- Notice ways that you run away from conflict, deep conversations, and sexual intimacy. Pay attention to times that you begin to separate from conversations that feel too deep. Remind yourself to stay connected during love-making. Make eye contact with your partner instead of closing your eyes. Disassociation is common with sexual intimacy. Stay with your partner instead of separating from your body.
- Relax and breathe. Being in the present moment instead of focusing on the past and future will help you stay connected to what is going on in the now.
- Develop deep trust with your partner with soulful communication. Being conscious, aware and connected, rather than busy with your cell phone, Internet, and television. All of these devices can increase separation from self and deepen emotional unavailability. Alcohol, drugs, and work are areas which we can avoid deep intimacy. Notice where you shut down using these things.
- Hire a coach that has healed these issues. A coach can provide insight into your patterns that create separation and avoidance.
Jennifer is a life, love and sex coach, author of the forthcoming book: Orgasm For Life. She has healed codependency, emotional unavailability issues, Epstein Barr syndrome, Fibromyalgia and breast cancer. You can schedule a discovery session with Jennifer to see if you are a good fit for her work. E-mail her NOW! Her website is: http://www.JenniferElizabethMasters.com