By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
When we are born, our mother’s take care of us. They feed us, change us and hopefully love, and snuggle with us, taking care of our emotional needs. They tell us how wonderful we are and make us feel that we are the best thing since sliced bread! However, often our parents did not have good self esteem themselves. They pass on their insecurities to us.
When we are raised by a mother who is insecure, codependent or addicted in some way, our needs are not usually met. We grow up needing outside validation from others, or perhaps to be in a relationship to feel whole. Often parents make us responsible for their happiness, which leaves us feeling loved only when we are perfect. Unconditional love on the other hand breeds a strong sense of self worth.
My mother became orphaned at the age of 5. Her mother died immediately after childbirth, due to no medical care. Although she had 5 previous home-births without difficulty, her last one did her in. Sadly, her father could not face life without his wife and poisoned himself while most of his children slept. My mother had awakened when he was pulling down the 50-pound bag of sugar from the attic. She was a sensitive child and knew something was a-miss. He told her to go back to sleep.
After 98 years, my mother still talks about not having a mother. She struggles with insecurities, negativity, criticism, reactivity, and need to be validated by others for a sense of self-worth.
If we do not heal our childhood trauma, we carry it to our grave. We will never really feel lasting happiness either until we let go of our past. Forgiveness, gratitude, and recognizing that each event in our life has a silver lining that helps us move through guilt, resentment, and anger. When we say thank you for the lessons learned and the gift, received, we begin to look at our past relationships as just experiences rather than mistakes. Each event teaches us more about ourselves.
After doing energy healing for over seven years, I have done over 2,000 energy clearings for people with issues of low self-esteem, sexual dysfunction, blocks, suicide, and depression (just to name a few of the things that can be cleared). These clearings help to eliminate limiting beliefs of unworthiness and not feeling lovable.
Codependency comes from not feeling unlovable or unworthy. We feel incomplete in some way. This incomplete feeling leads to looking to others to feel full and fulfilled. Codependent people usually have addictions of some kind. The substance or activity is used in an effort to fulfill the person’s emptiness and internal loneliness.
I suffered from codependency for years. As a result, I had to be in a relationship. I was a serial monogamist, going from one relationship into another. When in a relationship I gave up friends, visits with family, even jobs for the other person in an effort to PLEASE THEM. I even sent my oldest son to go live with his father because my current husband could not stand him.
We tend to be people pleasers when we are codependent. We are obsessed with what others think and feel about us. We often feel lonely even when in a relationship. There is an emptiness that plagues us.
You May Be Codependent If:
- You are barely breathing. Shallow breathing shows that you do not feel worthy to even breathe in and affirm life.
- You have addictions – even to relationships or people.
- You need to be in a relationship to feel whole and complete.
- You are a people pleaser.
- You will turn yourself inside out to please your partner or others.
- You are overly concerned about what others think about you.
- You doubt yourself.
- You have difficulty making decisions.
- You don’t trust yourself.
- You feel depressed and unhappy much of the time.
- You could also be overly emotional or dramatic when life’s events happen.
- Difficulty coping with life.
- You find yourself going from one bad relationship to another.
- Your lover, boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse cheats on you.
- You are often disrespected by others.
- You have a lot of fears.
- You have anxiety or panic attacks.
- You are controlling.
- You are perfectionist.
- Feel insecure.
- Low self esteem.
- Use manipulation to get what you want, could be making partner jealous to get attention.
- Don’t feel deserving of love.
- Worry that you are not smart enough, pretty enough, or just not enough.
- Give up jobs, friends, pets, children, loved ones to please your partner.
- You blame others (parents, siblings life’s events) for where you are.
- You don’t take responsibility for your own happiness. You expect someone else to MAKE YOU HAPPY.
- May have poor personal boundaries – or even none.
- Feel uncomfortable in your own skin.
- May be concerned that people are looking at you.
- You settle for relationships, because you are afraid of being alone.
- You may have a difficult time speaking your truth (what is on your mind and heart).
- You enable your partner, children and loved ones.
- You have difficulty making unpopular decisions for fear that they won’t love you. Tough love is very difficult for you.
Being Codependent Isn’t Fun
When we are codependent we often even change who we are for the other person, in an effort to make them happy. The end result is that you loose yourself and may find a need to end the relationship to find YOU. The problem is, that you may think a different relationship will do it for you. A new relationship only brings more of the same issues. You are the common denominator in all these relationships. Until you begin to look within, nothing will change.
Pain is what leads us to want things to change. When the pain becomes too great, it causes us to look for solutions.
How To Begin To Live Independently and Balanced
- Be compassionate towards yourself.
- Be your authentic self. People will love the REAL YOU!
- Stop making excuses for yourself and others.
- Take responsibility for yourself and your happiness. Choose to be happy!
- Let go of trying to be perfect.
- Breathe deeply. Affirm life and your worthiness.
- Speak your truth as it comes up, instead of worrying about what others will think of you.
- Stop focusing on what others think of you. What others think is none of your business.
- Be soft and kind to you.
- Nurture yourself each day.
- Don’t give up your workout, friends or job for another person.
- Put yourself first instead of the relationship.
- Use the mantra: I LOVE ME.
- Meditate daily. Use The Divine Presence Process Meditation. It will fill you with love and help connect you to your Divine (or High Self).
- Work on setting healthy limits and boundaries.
All of our relationships mirror what is going on inside of us. They show us our own insecurities, feelings of lack and disrespect of self.
Jennifer’s Story The Short Version:
I used to do all of the above. I blamed my parents, the fact that I was molested as a child for everything. True those things impacted my life. But, they were put in my life to help me recognize who I truly was.
After my third marriage ended, I recognized that I was the common denominator in all of my failed relationships. I could not continue blaming others. I had to take responsibility for myself and my own happiness. I had to OWN my emotions, rather than blame others for how I felt. I began to CHOOSE to be HAPPY.
I used to go to concerts and sit there with my hands neatly folded in my lap and watch others dance in the aisles. I wished I could clap to the music. I was so painfully concerned what others thought about me, I could not even do that. Today, I have no concern about what others think of me. I know that I can’t please everyone. When I used to try, I was the one that was left feeling unhappy.
Today I live in joy, peace, harmony and happiness every day. I never feel lonely. Through loving and accepting all parts of myself completely (even the ones I did not like) I healed a lifetime of depression, insomnia, anxiety, Epstein Barr, (autoimmune disease) Fibromyalgia, sexual dysfunction and unfounded fear. I realized my negative thoughts were killing me. They were causing me pain in my body. Even after years of healing and self love, I found I had a little more resentment of my mother to heal.
I have healed breast cancer without chemo and surgery, by loving myself and forgiving myself and my mother a little bit more. I am totally fearless. Instead of being insecure, I feel strong, powerful and incredibly happy with my life. It does not matter where I live or who I a with. It does not matter how much money I have, or what car I drive. I feel joy by just being alive. Life is thrilling to me. I live each day with passion. I love life and love what I do. The key here is that you can too.
My own emotional unrest and unhappiness drove me to become a hypnotherapist, Neurolinguistic Programming Practitioner and an energy healer. I used all of these things on myself to feel better about my life. I began to meditate every day. I released the stuck emotions, tears, anger and resentment. I cried and released deep anger, when my last marriage ended. This made me recognize that all the energy healing in the world does not release stuck emotions from the cells. These things need to be allowed to move out. Now, when I feel emotion, it moves quickly through me and it gone. I don’t dwell on things for days. I get over them quickly.
I healed the soul fragmentation that occurred from the fear of being molested. This caused me to feel broken and incomplete within myself. I feel completely whole, grounded and strong.
Because I have done these things and created a healing modality to get these deep issues, I know it works. There was never a more negative person than me on this planet. If I can do this, anyone can! I have been where you are. I have lived with a feeling of not wanting to be in my own skin. I used to wish I could be anyone else but me. Now, I couldn’t imagine being anyone but who I am.
How It Works
When we love ourselves completely, we become a magnet for positive events and people. We attract the people and events we need to get things done. Synchronistic events occur, like magic. Life works for us, when we are positive instead of negative.
When we love ourselves, we attract people who love themselves also. When you respect yourself, others will respect you as well. When you take responsibility for your own happiness, you stop looking for others to do it for you. You know it has to come fro within. When you are happy with you, you will be happy no matter where you are or who you are with. Your self worth will be present no matter what. Happiness is not fleeting when you love yourself, it resides within you. You are not looking for anyone else to fulfill you or make you happy. When you love yourself, you are happy and come to the relationship table already full, fulfilled and confident.
You can e-mail Jennifer questions or suggestions for a blog post here: JenniferElizabethMasters@gmail.com