We love to be in our misery, complaining about what our ex did to us. Some of us never get over our broken hearts. But how much of what we think happened really did? What if there was another side to this story of woe, pain and sorrow? What if something WE DID precipitated our partner’s cheating? In this article I will answer your questions about what happens energetically and why healing a broken heart is so important.
How long does it take to get over betrayal, or do we ever?
How can we grieve, let go and heal from the heartache of being cheated on?
Today, we can marry, divorce and think we will never see our ex again, then WHAMO! FaceBook cynically delivers a photo of our ex, clad in a suit with his new bride right to our home, front and center on our screen. We can’t ignore something that is put in our face, or can we?
Ignoring The Past We can’t ignore the past, but we can heal it, forgive and release the pain that it cause. The issue is that most of us, would rather stuff than release. Stuffing causes our hearts to shut down and stops us from loving fully and completely in the present.
Everyone is different. Some people grieve till the day they die. Some people grieve until they meet another warm body in a bar and have sex in their car. Some people grieve, think they are done and then wonder why they feel so cold and disconnected towards others. Some people think they don’t need to grieve and instead have a grudge F***K. Yes, we know who you are. This is not grieving, this is trying to get even.
Bitching And Complaining About Your EX On A Date?
I have heard of women (and some men) already dating and complaining to their dates about how horrible their ex was. They might even recount all the legal battles and support payments they are required to pay. They may complain about what they are NOT getting. All these are signs that you are not ready for a new relationship. Your date is not interested in hearing about your tales of woe and suffering that your ex caused you. Hire a coach. Move through your pain and sadness in a healthy way. Then and only then, begin to date. Getting in a relationship too soon can lead to more heartache down the road. Eventually, the grief will surface when you least expect it and you could be crying during sex, or emoting while purchasing your next wedding dress or tuxedo. If grief and resentment is not released, it may cause you gallstones, kidney stones, a heart attack or cancer.
Grieving involves tears, releasing anger, (in positive ways) it involves forgiveness of ourselves and the other person. If you can’t forgive your past partner, you should not be dating. All your frustration, hatred, anger and resentment will come out, when you least expect it; and be leveled at your new love. Is that what you want?
When our hearts are completely open, we feel compassion towards others. When they are closed, we feel cold, like a steel door is protecting our hearts. We might not see it ourselves, till a loved one asks us a question. “What is that about? Why aren’t you kinder to (your girlfriend, spouse, puppy, kitten, neighbor, friend, lover, child – fill in the blank)?”
We can’t feel boundless love when our heart is in knots
You may think you are ready for another relationship. You may want to bury your sadness in the breasts of a beautiful woman, or the strong chest of a gorgeous hunk of a man. However, if you have not forgiven your past partner and yourself, you are not nearly ready.
Keeping Love At Bay
You will not be able to feel the depths of real love. You may be IN LIKE, but you will never be in LOVE.
Married But Not In Love
Often we get married because we think it’s time. We may have been dating for five or more years, it seems the logical next step. Length of time in a relationship is not a determining factor of when you need to be married or committed. Sometimes we get married because of some social construct. I know of many people who thought they should marry, but were not in love with the person they married. Eventually, one or both of you will wake up feeling disillusioned and or cheated.
Emotionally Unavailable People
People who are emotionally unavailable are this way for a reason. They have been cheated on, traumatized in some way, or abused. Their hearts are protected, not open. It is as if a steel garage door is blocking their heart, with a second layer of bricks, mortar and concrete covering it. These people may never open their hearts. It is possible, but it takes courage to tap into the pain that shut their hearts in the first place. Once a core piece has been bored out through release work, this begins to grow into a larger and larger area that is open. With courage this block can be completely eradicated. You have to have the courage to step into the pain, rather than run away from it.
Seeing The Energetic Block
It is much easier to see this block in another person, than to witness it in ourselves. If you are attracting people who are emotionally unavailable, it is because your heart is blocked and shut down. When our hearts are shut, we will not be able to feel the pain and suffering of others. We will feel disconnected from it. We might get a hint of it, but brush it off and move away from other’s pain.
Compounding Blocks of Grief
Some of us have had more than one relationship. If we have a history of stuffing our emotions, we have stuffed the emotions of each relationship into the cells of our body and hearts. These blocks of grief create a stuck mess of emotions that can’t move. Many people can’t cry. There is a reason for this. They are so blocked with past hurts that have not been dealt with, that their hearts are nailed, concreted and locked up tighter than a safe in Chase bank! To think that you can be in a healthy relationship with a heart that is locked tight is like thinking that you could be a virgin again! You are basically faking it.
How I Help Clients Heal Their Blocks
There are several ways I help people heal from the pain of betrayal. The first is to acknowledge that there are two sides to every story. We had a part in the betrayal as well. None of us are victims. We have to take responsibility for our part in the cheating. This can be difficult if you feel you were completely blameless, and had nothing to do with the other person’s choosing to cheat.
If you talk to both parties, you will find that there was an underlying cause. A woman emasculating the man with control, manipulation or chiding words. It could be a man ridiculing, using sarcasm, put downs or being downright cold and abusive. There are many reasons people cheat. Remember you were not alone in this relationship. Just as you had your story or woe, so did the other person. Compassion for the other person helps you see the other side.
Have a conversation with yourself. Put yourself back in the place of the relationship. What was going on? Were you manipulating? Were you controlling. Did you make your partner feel small? Did you hurt them with your words? Did you avoid sex with them? Did you avoid intimacy? Did you make excuses for not getting close to them? Were you afraid? What were you afraid of? Taking responsibility for your part helps to begin to break down the barriers you have created in your heart.
I usually recommend that you forgive yourself first. However, when we tap into the pain we caused another, this may help us to cry, feel empathy for the other person and recognize that we weren’t blameless. We may not have cheated, but we did SOMETHING that made them feel less than whole.
Forgive with the Ho’oponopono Prayer
Spend 20 minutes or so repeating the prayer and telling yourself and your inner child what you forgive yourself for. Forgive yourself for putting your inner child in harm’s way. Forgive yourself for your choices. Once you begin things will begin to flow. Words will spill out of your mouth as the tears come. I like to walk and move while I do the prayer. This allows me to move the emotions more easily.
Please forgive me
I love you
Forgive them for turning away from you.
Forgive them for shutting down their heart to you.
Forgive them for not being THE ONE.
Forgive them for not being faithful.
Forgive them for hurting you.
Forgive them for not cherishing you.
Forgive yourself for not being what they wanted you to be.
Forgive yourself for pushing them into some situation they didn’t want.
Forgive yourself for causing them financial pain.
Forgive yourself for thinking you made a mistake.
Forgive yourself for causing yourself heartbreak.
Forgive yourself for hurting the other in some way.
Allow Yourself to FEEL
Blocked emotions can cause pneumonia, heart attack, cancer and other illnesses. Allow yourself to cry. If you can’t cry, scream.
In Colorado, I take clients up to the top of a mountain at daybreak or sunset and do cathartic screaming. This uncorks the emotion that is hidden under the anger.
In California, I take clients out into the stillness and privacy of the desert.
Cathartic screaming uncorks the emotions stuffed under the pain. It is far easier to feel anger than pain. Anger masks what is under- neath. We can feel resentment easily. We can be pissed off – easily. We can feel disrespected and then anger readily because we are afraid of the pain. The pain is what keeps us stuck. We sit on the threshold of clarity, and an open heart because we just don’t want to feel the anguish again. We have to transmute these feelings into compassion and forgiveness then release.
Each of us is treading water in life. Every event that takes place helps us to understand ourselves better. These events are not meant to destroy us. They are happening to show us who we are. When we can get beyond the pain and suffering we move into radiating the deep LOVE that is at the core of our being.
Love is Always The Answer
Forgiveness is key. Holding resentment and anger towards the other is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness happens without an apology. It happens without condoning the other person’s actions. It happens with compassion for ourselves.
Loving yourself enough to let go of your pain will expand you. Loving yourself enough to move through your suffering to the other side of emotional freedom will change your life. Without letting go, you cannot expect to ever love fully or trust another again.
Jennifer works privately in person or on the phone or Skype. Her work is powerful and cathartic. Ready to move beyond suffering and pain? E-mail her at [email protected]
Her latest book, Orgasm for Life is a brilliant foray into the minds and bodies of men and women. With wisdom and passion, Jennifer shares her own personal experience from her bedroom with her readers. She interviewed hundreds of men and women gay, straight, single and married. This is a book that is a life-changer! http://www.amazon.com/Orgasm-Life-Jennifer-Elizabeth-Masters/dp/0692227172