If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it’s probably a duck!
Men and women are sometimes choosing to begin dating before their divorce is final. What are the pitfalls of dating before you are divorced? What is the downside of dating someone who is not yet divorced?
You’ve met someone. They are delightful, attractive, kind, even loving, but they aren’t divorced – yet. When someone is thinking about divorce or involved in a divorce, they are clearly emotionally unavailable to you. They are dealing with issues every day of hurt, remorse, guilt, and have not begun to heal from the marriage that has not yet ended.
They Are Leaving Their Spouse
Humans have a tendency to believe what we hear rather than paying attention to what we see. We want to be loved. We want to believe that things are a certain way. However, if a divorce has not been filed – there is no divorce. Your boyfriend or girlfriend is legally MARRIED. The courts consider a person married until a divorce is final. You are having an affair with a married person. Which means you are out of integrity.
Divorce takes time. There usually is property to sell, CD’s to divide, furniture and often children involved. Settling a divorce can take years, especially when there is property or minor or children. The average divorce takes two years complete. Healing does not really begin until after the divorce is final. Even if the person has been dating all this time, real healing does not happen until the reality of the divorce sets in.
Even if their intention is to leave their spouse you could be waiting years for this process to be complete. It is unlikely that they will be emotionally available to you completely until after they heal.
Healing From The Hurts
Dating a man or woman that is going through divorce means that you will need to be compassionate, understanding and patient with them while the discuss their hurts, from what they are experiencing. You could even become the distraction, from their woes. Count on the subject of their soon-to-be ex to come up in conversation often. They need a shoulder to lean on, cry on and someone to make them feel loved, appreciated and cared for.
How Long Does It Take?
Professional therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists say it takes one year for every year married to heal from a divorce. In other words, if you have been married 20 years, you need 10 years to heal. From personal experience, I had 10 years between marriages. In retrospect, that was not enough time, as I still attracted similar people to the one I had left. Patterns need to be cleared and changed. If not, the tendency in humans is to attract someone just like the one you divorced. You may find they have a different face, but the relationship is very similar.
Men Are More Likely To Remarry Than Women
Men are much more likely than women to remarry after a divorce for several reasons. Men feel they will have more regular sex when married. Men are used to being taken care of, often having their laundry done, meals prepared and sometimes even the yard work done by their wife. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to remain single after finding their new found freedom for the opposite reasons that men tend to remarry. Women are often fed up with taking care of a man and prefer the freedom of singlehood.
- The person you are dating may never get divorced.
- Because they are still married, they are really not present with you.
- They cannot commit because they are already in a committed relationship with someone else. See the dilemma?
- There is no guarantee that they won’t reconcile.
- If they are having an affair with you, what makes you think they won’t be unfaithful to you also.
- You can’t completely trust someone who has had an affair.
- They may say they are sleeping on the couch, but they are still cohabitating. They had sex before. They know each other intimately. The chances are they will have sex again, and again and again before they divorce.
- You are out of integrity. Since integrity is really all we have got, this is a really big deal.
- There is karma. If you are sleeping with a married person, the chances are that this karma will come back around and bite you in the butt when you really don’t want it to.
- You are providing a distraction for them during a difficult time. You are distracting them from their pain, their problems and what they really need to be focusing on: getting out of their marriage.
- You have a duck. Well sort of, you are really sharing a duck.
- You will have lots of free time.
- You won’t have to worry about spending time with your boyfriend or girlfriend’s family during the holidays because they will be with their family.
Don’t get me wrong. They may be a really nice person. However, you could be waiting until pigs fly, or the sun burns itself out before their marriage if final – if it ever is. Many people SAY they are getting a divorce and never leave their spouse. Think carefully. Choose wisely.
Married Looking For An Affair?
If you are married and looking longingly at someone else, you are not fulfilled and happy with you. Until you are happy with yourself, no other person will change the way you feel about yourself and your life. You are the source of your pain and suffering, not another person. Therefore, getting right with you – becoming happy and fulfilled FIRST is imperative, or you will do what I did and have four marriages and divorces before you come to a place of complete loving acceptance and total fulfillment on your own.
Happiness is a choice. It does not come from another person. It comes from you. It comes from you recognizing your soul purpose and mission in this life, giving back in some way, knowing without a doubt who you are and what you are here to do. I can help you come to this place. I did it and now I help others do the same. When you feel completely fulfilled on your own, you can take your time, date, or stay single. You will be happy no matter what. You don’t NEED to have someone. Certainly, you can choose to, but you won’t be needy.
Connect with me via e-mail to find out if you are a good fit to find your true purpose, happiness and soul mission. Here: