The beginning of a relationship is when everyone is on their best behavior. New relationships are the best of the best. Our feelings are fresh, not tainted with baggage or history. New love can be exciting, exhilarating and buoys your spirit. Colors appear brighter, ordinary events are more enjoyable and life is just better.
New love can take our breath away. Sometimes our new love says or does something harsh or hurtful. They might make fun of an expression you make or something you cook. We like to look at the positive in people, especially in new relationships. However, we often dispel our intuition and explain bad and disrespectful behaviors away. When something early in your relationship stops you mid-breath and makes you go “Hmmmmm” you need to examine where it came from, what was the motivation and ask yourself if this negative behavior escalated over the next 10-20 years could I handle it? Is this something I can live with if it continues to get worse?
Love yourself enough to stop and check bad behavior
Bad behavior left unchecked will always get worse. Your partner needs to be trained (yes trained) by you. He/she is looking for feedback and boundaries to see how far they can go. When you do nothing – there are no boundaries and they will continue to push and mistreat you if you do nothing.
It is true that early in our relationships we feel so happy we could almost burst. Often when red flags or signs that something isn’t quite right appear, we often shove them aside and ignore them. This is called DENIAL. I did it. We all do it. When it really hits home is after three or four serious relationships, break-ups and divorces. We really need to become more sensitive to the red flags. We need to recognize our own worthiness. Each of us deserves to be treated with respect. We need to examine these signs carefully.
There is power in self advocating. Calling our dates on this bad behavior immediately, will stop it from continuing. Ignoring it shows the other person that you have no boundaries and you accept their bad behavior. Bad behavior will not go away, it will only get worse over time. Most likely these red flags are signs that you may want to close one door to allow another one to open. If you stay with someone who disrespects you early on, without letting them know this is unacceptable to you, this behavior will get worse.
The beginning of a relationship is when things are the best they will be. If situations are showing up now, have the courage to say, “I know I deserve to be treated with respect. If you won’t, I will find someone who will.”
Still wondering what this bad behavior could be? Here are some examples from real life relationships.
Oh This One Is GOOD!
A mature woman begins to date a man, who is getting out of a 25-year marriage. He tells his new lady-friend that his soon-to-be ex cheated on him. He eventually admits that he cheated first, but he and his wife weren’t having sex at the time (she was wearing granny panties to bed). The woman continues to date him for five months. They enjoy each other’s company, dining out, but not meeting any of his friends. During this time, he is still living at home and sleeping in the same house (and most likely bed as his soon-to-be-ex-wife). BIG RED FLAG!
He might divorce this woman – eventually. If he does, she will be the re-bound girl. She will end up listening to his tales of woe about how badly his wife is treating him. He will come to her with a hurt face, feeling sad about his lost marriage and how it feels to be betrayed. This makes this woman his confidant and therapist, rather than lover and eventual wife. These men rarely marry their confidants. If they do, they will most likely cheat on them as they cheated on their wife. Remember: As you do one thing is how you do everything. If a man cheated on his wife, with you or someone else, he will cheat on you also.
This is much more INSIDIOUS!
You meet a nice looking man who is secure financially, appears to be a humanitarian, helping out those in need and giving to friends and even strangers. He looks like a very good catch from the outside. He too is getting out of a long-term marriage.
Although, he is further along in the process, he is also wounded. He did not cheat on his soon-to-be ex and has filed divorce papers. He tells you there is no way in HELL he would ever get back with his wife, because she cheated on him. He is heartbroken. Yet, two months down the road, you find out she has moved back in with your new gentleman, as she had no where else to go (her new boyfriend kicked her out – again). He tells you there is nothing to worry about and that he will absolutely not go back with her. You are left feeling uncomfortable and disconcerted.
Time passes on. You spend a couple of evenings a week with this man. He only sends text messages to communicate and might call once a week, only on a Friday. He has you in training. He is training you to not expect much, because he can’t give very much.
Each date you find yourself drinking with him, even though you don’t normally drink. He was a heavy smoker for over 30 years. He has just quit and begun to use electronic cigarettes instead. Your new-found gentleman tells you his wife is an alcoholic and he was just along for the ride. He drank only because she did, not because he HAD to. BIG RED FLAG! This is where we have to look at the actions, rather than the explanation of our date. Actions speak much louder and tell the truth, where words often lie. Many people are in denial of their own addictions and issues. If they don’t see it as an issue, why should you (they think)? BECAUSE IT IS AN ISSUE!
On top of the drinking, you begin to notice little put-downs. He begins to make fun of your expressions, and tells you the food you have prepared is taste-less. This is a sign that this person does not love themselves. He is trying to make himself feel better by making you feel bad. People that are wounded wound others. Until this man gets over his own woundedness, he can’t commit, and certainly won’t be able to open his heart to you. He is emotionally unavailable. The alcohol is one strike, cigarettes the second, the put-downs are the third strike. We all know what three strikes mean in baseball. No more chances. You are OUT!
Chances are this man is also an alcoholic as well. Drinking every night constitutes alcoholism. This is a REALLY BIG FLAG. Thinking that you can accept alcoholism early in a relationship, is different than living with an alcoholic for 20 years. Alcoholics are emotionally unavailable. They often have other addictions, like smoking, sex or gambling. They often lie, cheat and become invisible or abusive while drinking. Best to get out before you are fully vested and end up broken hearted later on.
For the men out there:
You begin dating a gorgeous woman. She has an amazing body and dresses to enhance and show off her figure. Every date you have with her, she is wearing a push-up bra and very tight-fitting clothing. You love the way she looks, but so does every other guy that sees her. She loves the attention, obviously. You attend a party with her and she flirts with your best friend, your boss, and dances with anyone who asks. You mention that you are not comfortable with the fact that she is showing off her body and rubbing it all over everyone she dances with in front of you. You wonder if this is a passing fancy? Will her behavior change. Chances are it will, yet not for the better. If someone disrespects you by flirting with your friends and co-workers there is a serious issue about fidelity brewing. If you are comfortable in a polyamorous relationship, then this is not an issue. However, if you are looking for commitment, and fidelity, this woman is most likely not a good fit for you.
Closing One Door To Open Another
We often stay in relationships out of fear. We are afraid that we won’t find anyone else. This fear will keep us in relationships that don’t serve us, or even worse, are debilitating and abusive. When you leave a bad situation and change YOUR behavior, you will find another opportunity. Staying in a relationship, shows the Universe that this is what you will tolerate. You need to be in integrity and have the courage to leave.
When you recognize that you deserve better and feel love for yourself, you become a magnet for love. Love will come to you, without you having to look for it. Staying in integrity and having a conversation to break up is the positive and conscious way to end a relationship. Having an affair with someone else, is a low vibrational and dishonoring way to exit. End the relationship on a high note by saying that it is not working for you. You can add that your boundaries are being crossed and you are being disrespected, or that you are out of integrity. When you do, someone else will show up before you can say “You’re out!” You are showing The Universe what your intentions are. Intent will signal to the Universe that you are open and ready to be the next at bat.
Changing Your Behavior
If you historically stay in bad situations and allow yourself to be mistreated, you probably could benefit from working with Jennifer. I did this on my own. It took me years because I did it alone. Having someone who has been where you are and knows how to guide you onwards, upwards and into self love, personal power and lasting happiness, can save you years of misery, suffering and money! Divorces are expensive. Dating can be painful when you are operating on old software. Allow Jennifer to gently guide you into new programming that allows you to see the good in you. You will find the beauty inside you and feel life has meaning.
I used to be extremely co-dependent. I have been where you are. I married the men with the bad behavior and stayed with them, because it was all I knew. I worked on myself for over 30 years to overcome feelings of inadequacy and disempowerment. I help you find the answers that are inside you. As an empowerment coach and healer, I help you recognize the patterns that keep repeating themselves so that you can see yourself as worthy, confident and powerful. When you step into your personal power life becomes easier. Anxiety, illness, depression naturally fall away. That was what happened with me. If I can to it, you can too! Contact me for a free individualized and private session. [email protected]