How long can one hold onto past hurt? As long as we choose to ignore it. We have to sit in the feeling of sadness, rejection or pain, let it go, releasing the pain, sorrow and grief to move on. We have to consciously let go. It is not just a matter of thinking, “I let you go.” We have to move the energy of our emotions.
Our pain and emotions surrounding past events don’t disappear. They take a nose dive, deep within us, like a Kamikaze plane. Those feelings go down in flames and continue to burn, eating away at us, from a faraway place. Surfacing only when a similar situation triggers an emotional reaction from us.
When we return to a past event, by meeting someone from our past, being emotionally triggered by a similar event, or think back do they begin to be revealed. Of course, we have to be honest and not avoid the truth to recognize what is present within us. We have to forgive, both ourselves and the other people we feel hurt us to release the past hurt and stuck emotions.
What happens if we don’t? I wondered that myself recently. I had the opportunity to re-connect with a man I had a deep, powerful, intimate connection with 40 years ago. Our love affair ended abruptly when I crossed boundaries that he revealed to me in advance. It was so long ago, I don’t remember if I was challenged by his line in the sand, or if it was because I lacked personal boundaries of my own at that time. People who lack healthy boundaries often cross other people’s. In my twenties if someone told me not to do something, I did exactly what I was asked not to do. Knowing the rebel I was in my younger days, I don’t doubt that I wanted to test him. “Prove to me how much you love me!” Well, how did that work out for me? Not so great. Need to be caught up on this story? Read my blog: A Kiss And Affair That Stopped Time.
As soon as I did what he asked me not to do, he terminated our relationship. I was in shock. His response floored me. I did not expect him to leave me. What we had was hot, fun and adventurous. We met while working as flight attendants for Air Canada. Fast forward to today. Fast forward to today.
The One That Got Away
I don’t know about you, but I often go back in my mind to my torrid love affairs and wonder about what might have been? What was good about one man, what I didn’t like about another. I drifted over my sexual experiences in early 2014, when I wrote Orgasm For Life. My memories of my sexual encounters are very clear. Like watching a movie in my mind. One man resurfaced repeatedly. I wrote about our experiences in my second book, Orgasm For Life in several chapters. I hazily remembered our travels, the lamb and pomme frits (home made French fries) we enjoyed in Belgium, the cafes, and wild sex under the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
Was it the rush of excitement that we experienced because it was forbidden love? Or was it a deeper sense that of all the partners we have had, was there something greater, more connection than passion? We thought about each other for 40 years. I would hear what he was up to from my long-time friend Joan who was still flying for Air Canada. He asked for my e-mail, and I offered a weak, “I guess so.” Forty years is a long time to wonder wistfully about what might have been. The one he let get away. The one I pushed away. As a healer and a mystic, going deep within is part of my daily life. I am not afraid to process pain, emotions or the past. In fact, I have done it so much, that I have wondered how much could be left to “process?” Plenty it seems.
After Christmas, this past year, I visited my homeland – Canada. I spent time with my family of origin. On the very last day of my week-long visit, I had a rendezvous with my old flame. We met ostensibly for coffee, although he never ordered one. He talked for hours while I listened. Sitting in the donut shop near my mother;s home, he talked about his new home sitting close enough that his knees engulfed mine. It didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable. My response was not to shrink back or to push him away. I was mesmerized by the feelings that never left. He connected with me while he spoke I was surprised that my old feelings surfaced automatically. I didn’t do anything. In fact, I almost canceled our meeting because I went into judgment about his perceived lack of interest. He didn’t respond in a timely enough manner for me and I almost blew off our meeting. How often do we judge others and say no, and miss out on something life changing?
Being Called Out On My Crap
My daughter, called me on my crap, telling me that I didn’t give him a chance. She noted that I immediately came up with excuses as to why he wasn’t good for me. At first, it didn’t seem true. Whenever someone makes an observation about my actions or behavior, I take the time to look at what they noticed. I go inside and feel what is coming up for me. I sit with my feelings. In life, there is not much that scares me anymore. No one likes to have their heart broken. Shutting our heart down can close us off to our opportunities. Even married people close their hearts to their spouse after they are hurt by them.
What does scare me is my fear of having my heart broken again. When this man and I were making love under the Eiffel Tower and in hotel rooms all across Europe, I had no such fear. I was open. I had not been hurt profoundly. My heart had not been crushed by a man. We were wild, open and adventurous together. Perhaps I had the need to test his love for me. Maybe I was daring him to leave me by my actions. It has taken 40 years to get my questions answered. Tonight, in Toronto, we shall meet again. That might have been that last of him, had it not been for my mother’s suggestion, “Why don’t you invite (Mr. X) to Sarah’s wedding in June? He is a nice man.”
“He probably won’t want to go,” said I. On some level, I felt it would be fun to have a date for my niece’s wedding. Mr. X had offered his home and a car anytime I was in Toronto when we met in January. People often make those type of offers, do they mean it when they do? I sent him an e-mail a few days later. I was surprised at his response. Not only did he want to go with me, he offered four different color suits, to go with whatever I was wearing. He had other thoughts and suggestions as well. He obviously had given the weekend some thought.
We had a choice of vehicles, his Honda or a sportscar. He asked what about a gift? He suggested a big fat envelope of cash, “everyone likes to get money as a wedding gift!” He said it would be fun. This was not the response I expected. I expected to be rejected as he had in the past. My cells were programmed for his rejection. I was being triggered by this liaison. I had specifically cleared my family of origin, my past husbands, other men I had relationships with, my children and my work. I had not gone back 40 years to clear the issues with him and his ending our relationship.
What I have discovered is that we can clear generic emotions. When the hurt is deep, we have to clear specific emotions pertaining to that individual to heal heartbreak. Each time our heart is broken we build a shield of protection around it. We surround
ourselves with so much armor that no one can break through. In fact, we repel love and potential partners with this shielding.
From January to June, I thought about him. I felt safe in the fact that there was plenty of time before my niece’s wedding.
Until now. Looking for the parking deck adjacent lot jus to Los Angeles airport, I knew something had shifted. My willingness to let go and recognize my own part in our breakup shifted my perspective. I hurt him. He didn’t just hurt me. Sitting on the Air Canada wide-bodied jet, hours away from landing in Toronto, feeling a sense of being here before, the deja vu is real. I have let the hurt go. I decided that I held the responsibility for the ending of our relationship as much as he did. He was as hurt, if not more than me from my disrespecting his personal boundaries.
Somewhere in the ethers a door opened. Then another one, and another one. My willingness to shift caused the Universe to move. A wind blew, changing my direction. A door opened and I walked through it. Standing on the other side of pain, I am open, feeling a profound anticipation of what the infinite possibilities could be of our weekend wedding date.
If you liked this, let me know. Share it with your friends. Post it on FaceBook. The romance continues as I embark into the great unknown with the excitement of a teenager in a woman’s body. Stay tuned for Part II of My Wedding Date.
Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is a happy woman. She lives fully present, engaged, open to the unlimited possibilities of The Universe. She assists women and men with sexual dysfunction, self esteem, self loathing, depression, anxiety, anger, fears, grief, shame and guilt. She works with those people willing to commit financially and emotionally to healing as if their life depended on it, because it probably does. Our thoughts create our reality. If we are struggling with pain, disease or illness, it is because of unresolved emotional issues within us. You can contact her here to set up an appointment to work with Jenifer.