By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
How long can one hold onto past hurt? As long as we choose to ignore it. We have to sit in the feeling of sadness, rejection or pain, let it go, releasing the pain, sorrow and grief to move on. We have to consciously let go. It is not just a matter of thinking, “I let you go.” We have to move the energy of our emotions.
Our pain and emotions surrounding past events don’t disappear. They take a nose dive, deep within us, like a Kamikaze plane. Those feelings go down in flames and continue to burn, eating away at us, from a faraway place. Surfacing only when a similar situation triggers an emotional reaction from us.
When we return to a past event, by meeting someone from our past, being emotionally triggered by a similar event, or think back do they begin to be revealed. Of course, we have to be honest and not avoid the truth to recognize what is present within us. We have to forgive, both ourselves and the other people we feel hurt us to release the past hurt and stuck emotions.
What happens if we don’t? I wondered that myself recently. I had the opportunity to re-connect with a man I had a deep, powerful, intimate connection with 40 years ago. Our love affair ended abruptly when I crossed boundaries that he revealed to me in advance. It was so long ago, I don’t remember if I was challenged by his line in the sand, or if it was because I lacked personal boundaries of my own at that time. People who lack healthy boundaries often cross other people’s. In my twenties if someone told me not to do something, I did exactly what I was asked not to do. Knowing the rebel I was in my younger days, I don’t doubt that I wanted to test him. “Prove to me how much you love me!” Well, how did that work out for me? Not so great. Need to be caught up on this story? Read my blog: A Kiss And Affair That Stopped Time.
As soon as I did what he asked me not to do, he terminated our relationship. I was in shock. His response floored me. I did not expect him to leave me. What we had was hot, fun and adventurous. We met while working as flight attendants for Air Canada. Fast forward to today. Fast forward to today.
The One That Got Away
I don’t know about you, but I often go back in my mind to my torrid love affairs and wonder about what might have been? What was good about one man, what I didn’t like about another. I drifted over my sexual experiences in early 2014, when I wrote Orgasm For Life. My memories of my sexual encounters are very clear. Like watching a movie in my mind. One man resurfaced repeatedly. I wrote about our experiences in my second book, Orgasm For Life in several chapters. I hazily remembered our travels, the lamb and pomme frits (home made French fries) we enjoyed in Belgium, the cafes, and wild sex under the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
Was it the rush of excitement that we experienced because it was forbidden love? Or was it a deeper sense that of all the partners we have had, was there something greater, more connection than passion? We thought about each other for 40 years. I would hear what he was up to from my long-time friend Joan who was still flying for Air Canada. He asked for my e-mail, and I offered a weak, “I guess so.” Forty years is a long time to wonder wistfully about what might have been. The one he let get away. The one I pushed away. As a healer and a mystic, going deep within is part of my daily life. I am not afraid to process pain, emotions or the past. In fact, I have done it so much, that I have wondered how much could be left to “process?” Plenty it seems.
After Christmas, this past year, I visited my homeland – Canada. I spent time with my family of origin. On the very last day of my week-long visit, I had a rendezvous with my old flame. We met ostensibly for coffee, although he never ordered one. He talked for hours while I listened. Sitting in the donut shop near my mother;s home, he talked about his new home sitting close enough that his knees engulfed mine. It didn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable. My response was not to shrink back or to push him away. I was mesmerized by the feelings that never left. He connected with me while he spoke I was surprised that my old feelings surfaced automatically. I didn’t do anything. In fact, I almost canceled our meeting because I went into judgment about his perceived lack of interest. He didn’t respond in a timely enough manner for me and I almost blew off our meeting. How often do we judge others and say no, and miss out on something life changing?
Being Called Out On My Crap