Nothing gets me hotter than a man who attempts to change me! When I say “hot,” it is not in a good way. When someone indicates that they would like you to wear your hair differently, dress differently than you do, or change you in some way, look out! This is not a good sign.
We meet our partners, fall in love and often try to change them to “help them” be better people. Unconditional love means that you love them the way they are. Trying to change another indicates control issues and usually codependency in you.
Controlling another comes from fear. We think that our partner can’t or won’t measure up in some area, so we attempt to control. Control in a relationship is never a good thing. Once you recognize that you are the one with the issue, you can learn to accept yourself the way you are first. Once you begin to love you as you are, it becomes easier to accept your partner as they are.
IN THE BEGINNING
We fall in love with someone, excited with the newness, and possibilities for a future. Over time, we become disenchanted and want our partners to be more like us, but do we really? Can you really imagine a world where our partners were exactly like us? Remember who you fell in love with. Go back and list their traits that were so wondrous and lovely. Then ask yourself why you aren’t happy with those traits now?
Are you happy with you? Usually we are nit-picky and critical of others when we are hard on ourselves. Drop the baseball bat and magnifying glass and accept yourself the way you are.
What if you never changed, ever? What if I was to tell you that you will never change. Would you begin to love yourself then? We set the bar so high for ourselves and others that no one can measure up.
What is so all fired important that your partner needs to be different?
How could you begin to look at yourself and your life differently so that you appreciate yourself and what you have instead of critiquing everything.
Do you see all the problems instead of the good?
Are you grateful for what you have? When you begin to give thanks for what you have now, you will have a greater appreciation for yourself and others.
Can you look at the good instead of what is missing?
What will it take for you to stop trying to change your partner?
How can you begin to accept yourself and your life right now, instead of waiting for the lottery winning to change everything for you? Or maybe it is a weight loss, new job or new partner that will make you happy (in your mind).
A little story to illustrate what I am talking about:
I was born in Toronto, where there is beauty in so many places. We have the change of seasons to enjoy. Each season is distinctly different. I have lived in six vastly different cities from Surrey, England, Gaithersburg, Maryland, Alpharetta, Georgia, Boulder, Colorado and now the Mojave desert of California.
I could focus on the barren wasteland that I have found myself in. Or the “land of tan,” that my daughter named the desert, the dust, sand everywhere and lack of shade trees. I could spend my time complaining about how desolate, dusty, windy and hot it is in the summer-time. I could complain about the winters and how my hair blows every which way. Or how awful it is that the people of my community care so little for the desert and their animals that they drop off couches and kittens with ease, leaving them to rot or die in the heat.
Or I could see the beauty…..
I could look at the vast open spaces where I can walk silently and alone with my dogs without running into another soul. I could focus on how inspired I have been while walking in the Mojave desert, with the unique Joshua trees that don’t grow any other place. I can focus on how amazing the plant life is here, how beautiful the desert shrubs are when they bloom, with no water. I could focus on how I have had so many mystical experiences in the desert, that most would not believe. I
could see the miracle of the desert for what it is. No less than amazing that anything could withstand 109 degree heat for days on end and still live. I could revel in the sunrises and sunsets that are so breathtaking you would not beleive the colors are not touched up. I could focus on how you can star gaze in the desert at night, and see the curvature of the earth, the magnificence of the night sky with all it’s beauty.
Our Perspective Is Everything
Our lives can be shifted from negative to positive with just one thought. “I CHOOSE TO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE.” Being positive is a choice. Would you rather complain about how hard your life is, focusing on what you don’t have and hate your life? Or choose to look at the bright side that you have a partner who loves you, even if they are different than you?