By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
Core values may come up in business discussions, but rarely on first dates. If you haven’t discussed your core values by your second date or phone call, you could be in for a wild ride and heartbreak. Marriages fail and crime rates rise because people have no idea what their core values are. Without a focus on our values, they weaken.
Knowing what your core values are what each of us needs to have a happy life and long-lasting healthy relationships.
What are core values?
Core values are what is important to you. Core values are not to be confused with hobbies or interests. If you are a spiritually minded person, your core values might include healthy lifestyle, meditation, compassion, truth, respect, love, spirituality and give back. Matching your values with another who has similar core values gives you a greater chance of success in your relationship.
There are core values for business. There are core values for families. Before dating someone a second time, it is important to find out what their core values are. It will save you energy, time, and heartbreak down the road.
If your core values don’t match, you could be wasting your time with someone that doesn’t want to get married, have children or has other opposing values from yours.
My List of Core Values
- Love and respect
- Loving Communication
- Hard Work/According To Soul Purpose
- Self-Growth and Higher Learning
- Time with family
- Nature/pets/rescues/environmental responsibility
- Conscious Sexual Expression
Write Your List
Your list might be very different than mine. That’s okay. You are different than me. Sit down with a pen and paper and write your list of drop-dead must haves. In my Love Yourself Fearlessly program, I help people find out who they are, what they want and don’t want so they can recognize what they want in a partner. Until you know yourself and what you truly desire, it will be very difficult for you to manifest what you want, because you aren’t clear.
Don’t Want To Rock The Boat?
If you are afraid of losing the person you are dating by having a discussion about values and spiritual beliefs, you are already on a rocky slope. Your boat is already filling with water; you just don’t know it yet. If when you rock the boat someone falls out, they weren’t meant to be in your boat with you.
Why You Need To Know Your Core Values
When you don’t know what is important to you, you might search and never find what you desire.
If you are job hunting, and you know you are an honest person, but choose to work for someone that promises blue skies and dreams but doesn’t pay taxes, is a hoarder, holds grudges, doesn’t pay his employees on time you will not be happy with your job choice.
Find Out Early
Before selecting a partner for marriage your core values must match, or you will find too many challenges that your marriage fails. Choosing someone that wants what you want gives you a greater chance of success. If you are dating, you could spend months getting to know someone, fall in love and then find you don’t have the same desires for a future together. They might want children, and you don’t. You might want sex, and they don’t.
Talk About Sex First
Too often sex occurs without a discussion before it happens. Sex is an important part of a relationship. Do we wear condoms? Do you have chlamydia or any other STD? Do you have any sexual phobias or perversions?
You might find out that your partner prefers kink while you prefer vanilla sex. Though you might stretch your rules and boundaries to accommodate their desires early, a steady diet of something you find abhorrent like being slapped across the ass or elsewhere, might prove too much to endure in a marriage or long-term commitment if it isn’t what you want. It is best to find out early what type of sexual experiences your partner likes.
Religion and Spiritual Beliefs
Religion can be a touchy subject. For two people of differing religious backgrounds to meld comfortably, both need to either not practice their religion, be open to conversion or completely accepting of your differences with respect and without judgment.
However, religion is a subject you want to broach with a partner you are dating. If you are Buddhist, and they are Christian, even if you have great chemistry, it would take tremendous openness for a Christian partner to understand your mindfulness, meditation or spiritual beliefs. There needs to be respect for each others’ differences and a state of allowing for them both to occupy the same space.
Religious differences may take a smaller role at the beginning of a relationship. Sometimes to keep things on an even keel, we may downplay the importance of our spirituality to maintain the relationship with the guy/gal. If one person is Jewish and the other is Christian what religious upbringing will your children have? Even with Catholic and Christian’s backgrounds bringing up children can create havoc and discontent when both parties want to raise their children with their religions. Having a discussion early about religion/spiritual beliefs and practice will save you heartaches and conflict later.
Knowing how important your religion or spirituality is to you is important. Expressing your need to have and practice according to your wishes needs to be an open discussion.
Even when a discussion occurs, some people lie about what they believe and want. I married to a Southern man who said he had no problem with my work. After we had been married, it became quite apparent not only did he have a problem with it, he disapproved. He hid his strict Southern Baptist and Christian views and dogma from me until after we were married.
I have a close connection with The Divine. I pray and meditate daily. I live in gratitude; I work with God and angels in my healing work. I speak to Guides and spirits. This is a deal breaker for me. You can be the greatest guy in the world but if you aren’t spiritual, accepting of my work and beliefs, it’s game over!
I believe in authenticity. I am not afraid to ask questions. I stand up for what I believe. I don’t keep my beliefs a secret. If I am not open
to having a particular type of sex, I say so. An open discussion ensues when I begin to have a connection with a man before I move forward towards sexual intimacy.
Susanne Alexander with co-authors Craig Farnsworth and John Miller has an extensive list of 56 character qualities in their book, Pure Gold Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage. They are:
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