Excerpt from Orgasm For Life get your copy and keep your sex hot and the arguments fair.
Married With Children
Commitment, honesty, and trust are what is required for deep intimacy. Sex is what lubricates a healthy relationship, keeping it young, alive, firing on all cylinders. Sex is a reward for many men, but often it is all too rare and fleeting. Most women in their 30’s, with children, have sex once a week or less with their husbands.
For men at this age, not having sex three times a week or more can feel like placing a four-course meal in front of a starving person and telling them they can’t eat it. Laying next to your beautiful wife night after night, not being able to touch her is torture.
Women can throw themselves into raising children while having their tactile needs met during the day. When their husband comes home, sex is usually a very low priority. Sleep may be the only thing on a young mother’s mind after a day of breastfeeding chasing and raising children. Yet, to keep the marriage alive it needs to be a priority.
Regular date-nights each week give a young couple the opportunity to get out without the children. Having grandparents watch the children at their home, can give new parents an opportunity to have sex without interruptions. A locking bedroom door is imperative for parents with small children. Keeping children out of the marital bed, also helps to keep passion alive. Making love with an infant in your bed is not healthy for any of you.
Private time for a couple is important for keeping a relationship balanced, healthy, connected and growth oriented. At the same time spontaneity is necessary to keep the passion alive. When all your sexual encounters are planned, pressure to perform can cause issues and stress. Sex is supposed to be a fun, pleasurable experience, rather than feel like work. Having to become passionate on a clock or calendar certainly eliminates spontaneity.
Believe me, being a single mother is not glamourous. It can be one of the most challenging times in your life. Keeping your marriage alive and healthy is best for everyone. Children need two parents to be confident, effective, balanced adults. Making sex a priority means that you are making your husband a priority. He is needed as a parent and partner. Don’t ignore him. For you men, just because your wife is a little more round than usual, make sure she knows you still are attracted to her. Women give a lot up to have babies. Men need to be understanding of their wive’s needs as well.
After giving birth, pregnancy can be the very last thing a woman wants. The fear of pregnancy can keep her from wanting to have sex. Use protection, to help dispel these natural fears. Be respectful of one another’s feelings. Remember how much you loved each other before the pregnancy. That love is still present, under the diapers, laundry and new obligations.
Surprising as it may seem, men and women often want the same basic things. Go to any Internet dating site to read the profiles. Men want a partner to share their experiences with, the same as women do. Each one of us wants to love and be loved. We all want to be accepted for who we are. Most of us want to have our physical needs taken care of. We want our sexual exchanges to be exciting, fulfilling and beautiful. We want our partners to care for us and adore us, attracted to our physical bodies. Most want to have passionate sexual exchanges that include orgasms. We also want to be loved, appreciated and respected for who we are.
Where we can get mis-directed is when we think of the opposite sex as the enemy. Relationships do not have to feel like war. Blaming our partners for how we feel is ego-based, codependent behavior. It is not productive while putting us in the position of
victim. None of us are victims. (I have flogged that dead horse in my first book, Odyssey Victim to Victory.) This is my own story of recovery from childhood molestation. Odyssey holds keys to loving yourself and become a fully functional independent, sexual being.
No one wants to be made wrong. Our egos get in the way, with finger pointing. When we are told we are wrong, we can shut down emotionally. We cannot listen fully. We stop being able to hear what other person is saying without being reactive. The issue with wanting to be right causes us to be so focused on being right, that we miss the truth, the good stuff – the loving. We make our partner angry. We make our partner wrong. Our egos become activated and we run away from connection, closeness and intimacy.
Instead of pointing fingers at the other person, it is more productive to look at why you feel the way you do? Usually our reaction to what the other person has said has nothing to do with why we are angry. We are often triggered by our partner. Which is to say, we
Pointing fingers never solves anything
are reacting to an old wound or button placed within us by a family member, usually a parent, relative, teacher or close friend. Often the screaming is loudest when we pick at the scab of old wounds. It is our old wounds that need to be healed to be able to move on from the past, rather than being stuck in our stories. We can become so focused on what happened in the past that we feel our current partner is also doing the same thing to us.
Our patterns resurface like an old broken record that repeats the same refrain until someone pushes us beyond where we have gone before. Which is why I so love the healing aspects of working with hypnotherapy and energy healing. I see my coaching clients move beyond their stuckness, with control and ridigity into fluidity and forward movement. Their fears fall away while ease, trust with happiness build. Using a hypnotherapy process to release the trigger mechanism, I have witnessed clients move beyond their fears, embracing the love and the beauty within.
Issues with challenges in life will always arise. Using words like “never,” “always” and “should” create issues. Jonathan Robinson, author of Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict, uses a wonderful, easy way to help couples resolve conflict effortlessly.
Robinson says we each have a self esteem bank account. The lower our self esteem is, the less we can take critiscm or finger pointing. We need to feel acknowledged, appreciated as well as accepted by our partners.
I agree with this concept having come from a place of low self-esteem as a child. When my husband criticised me for something I was doing, it sounded like my parents were speaking to me. I went back emotionally to my memory bank, to the place of not feeling acknowledged and accepted as a child. Our minds are so powerful. The tapes re-wind in a milisecond. Instantly we are like a little child, rather than a mature adult. Going back to the place of our innerchild often happens with couples. It is not what is occurring in the moment that has them upset. It is the connecting of the dots from this moment to a point in time that was painful.
When we argue, often it is two children who have been wounded that show up rather than the adults that we are. Two little wounded children cannot resolve anything. They tend to pick up their toys and run away. This is a trigger mechanism. Until the trigger is cleared, this process will continue. This is one of my areas of
expertise. My own experience of being reactive with volatility in relationships has made me an expert on uncovering these triggers for my clients. De-sensitizing them to the point that the trigger is no longer present, within one session – no more trigger!
Robinson’s recommendation is to acknowledge how the other person is feeling first. Most of us that have been through therapy know about this tactic. However, his process goes on to create better communication with your partner. Acknowledging how they feel is not the same as agreeing with them. Once you acknowledge how they feel, they can hear you better. They feel validated, knowing you truly care.
Accept the other person’s version of reality. This does not mean you agree. For example, Jane tells her husband, “I see how you feel blamed by me. “ I’m very sorry you felt that way.” Next, Robinson suggests that you tell your partner something that you appreciate about them when you are not angry with them. “You are really important to me, and I love the way you work so hard to take care of our family.” Giving your partner something that you appreciate about them, allows them to let their guard down to feel less defensive.
The first thing that Robinson says we need to do when things get heated, is to acknowledge the other person’s experience. For example, as David is cleaning up the kitchen after dinner, his wife, Judith suggests, “Why don’t you use this scrub brush instead of the sponge.” David reacts, “Why do you have to nag at me whenever I try to help you?” His wife, Judith might retort, “I am not nagging at you, you just wash dishes like a two-year old and you need some help.” Her off-hand, seemingly innocuous response might create a huge argument.
David might think to himself, “She can kiss my white ass! I’ll never freaking help her prissy little butt ever again!” David’s little inner boy is showing up, because he feels wounded. Lower levels of self-esteem make us more reactive and argumentative. Accurate, intelligent communication is a delicate art. It is the key to keeping a relationship balanced and communications open.
When we are highly reactive, it throws up ego-barriers destroying closeness, open-heartedness, love and joy. Our little inner child (ego) is quick to judge or attack which shuts us down. What I believe Robinson is trying to show with this example is; how our egos can distort our communication, love-making and sexual functions.
If Judith had used Robinson’s formula for communication, she might have said, “I hear you saying that I treat you like you’re a child when you are doing household tasks. I am sorry that you feel I am putting you down.” After being acknowledged, then validated, Judith’s husband may relax feeling heard and understood. Judith would then let David know how much she appreciates her husband for helping her out, while lifting some of the burden from her.
Robinson reminds us, you don’t have to agree with the way your partner is feeling.
Remember, each of you is having your own experience. Three people can watch the same scene in a movie, then interpret a totally different experience. We all have filters which change the reality we experience. These filters are created by our egos.
Acknowledgement, says Robinson, creates trust. I believe, that the trust issues that Robinson speaks of is one of the most important issues in sexual functionality. The more you validate your partner’s experience the more you build trust.
As an example, of how experience effects judgment; I was traumatized sexually by men, as a young girl. As an adult I made men wrong, because of what men did to me when I was little. I was tainted by my childhood experience. This experience created a lens that all men were bad and only wanted sex from me. I confused sex with love mis-judging my male partners. Men would say things to me, which I would take out of context. This created mis-communication and served to put a damper on our sexual activities. The key to having good sex and gangbuster orgasms is to see things clearly, rather than through our filters or egos.
Acknowledging that your partner is really having the experience they are, even if you don’t agree with them allows them to feel heard. It also enhances communication and understanding. Understanding is one of the biggest issues within our relationships. We sometimes think very differently. We often come from various backgrounds. Our issues and trigger mechanisms can be totally unrelated. Each of us is having our own individual experience of the same thing. It does not mean that your perception is wrong. Accurate perceptions however, bring each of us nearer to the truth, regardless of our individual perceptual bias.
Having conflict resolved immediately keeps the air clear. Replying, “I’m fine!” When we are not, keeps us tied up in illusion and separation. We make up stories in our heads based on our past, which have little bearing on realtiy. This process should be avoided if you want good sex and great orgasms. The fragility of the human psyche guarantees that conflict will occur as our egos clash between male and female in the sexual act. It is also the point at which we can have the deepest connection.
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