Why Wounded People Hurt Others

Monday, December 9, 2013

When we are hurting, we can be mean-spirited, resentful and reactive. I can speak to this issue because that was me. When my husband attempted to caress, hug or get close, I pushed him away. I couldn’t receive love because I was empty. I didn’t love me. (This article was dragged out of my archives because it is so important for everyone to understand. “Is your love like the desert?”) 

Does your love remind you of the desert?

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

Mojave desert, where I live currently

Sharp comments, prickly personality?

I was recently walking with my dog, Karma along the dry, dusty trail into the mountains just north of my home. I was thinking about the way I used to be in my relationships. Reactive, bitchy prickly, dry, no sense of humor and hot and angry to the touch when someone pointed out my faults. I used to hurt anyone who tried to get close to me because I was hurting.

We can be touchy and reactive when we hold onto our emotions. We cry, for example, to relieve stress and pressure that builds inside us from break-ups, challenging life events, grief, sadness and upset. When our emotions get stuffed inside of us, we become reactive. We cannot take the slightest recommendation or suggestion without being reactive – like the desert.

We have prickly plants and trees here, like the Joshua tree for example. Joshua trees only grow in the Mojave Desert (pronounced Mohave).  If you leaned against one of these babies, you could be seriously hurt. I liken the Joshua trees to us when we lash out at someone when they correct us or suggest another way. 

Having to be right all the time can cause you to lose friends and lovers. This need comes from your ego. When your ego runs the show, you will not fare well in relationships.  

T. Harve Ecker, of the Millionaire Mind fame, used to say, would you rather be right, or would you rather be rich? I say, would you rather be right, or would you rather be loved? Being right can make you a very lonely person. You become very prickly, and people don’t want to lean up against you, or be with you. Bitchy, prickly, same thing. 

Even the weeds in the desert have thorns on them. The thorns fall off to procreate the plant so that it doesn’t die out. These sharp seeds are called goat’s heads. We get them on our feet when we walk around barefoot. 

When we are touchy and reactive, we are coming from our ego and our pain. We close our hearts. We disconnect from our true selves. We can be very lonely in this place of being a victim, feeling that everyone is out to get us, or hurt us. It is simply not true. It just appears that way to us, because all we can see is the pain.

When we are hurt and don’t heal from it, we carry this pain into everything we do. Pain is what colors our world. It is all the same, everywhere we turn, like the desert. As far as the eye can see, it is colorless, empty, remote. Just like us. 

The wind picks up here, causing change, turbulence, dust storms and vortexes of sand in the updrafts. You can’t see when the dust and sand are flying in the air. It blurs our vision. Just as our pain blurs our vision. When we hang onto our pain it defines us it isn’t true; we just think it is. . The pain becomes who we are. The emotional pain creates physical pain. 

There is the beauty here, but it is often fleeting, disguised or hidden. Many see only the ugliness or the sparseness of vegetation. The more beautiful one feels about themselves, the more beauty you see outside of you. When we are bitchy, reactive and thorny, we make it difficult for others to see our beauty. We disguise our softness under our suffering and pain. As things begin to change, we often hang on, to the past, not wanting to move forward. We act out of fear of the unknown. Our resistance to change causes us to suffer even more. What we don’t recognize in our pain is that we don’t have to suffer, all we have to do is let go, forgive and move forward into the wind. 

When our suffering overwhelms us which is when many begin to recognize we need to change, this is the driving force to heal. Pain is the catalyst for healing. Inner work can take decades when doing it on your own. It took me over thirty years to recover and find my true self. That is where I come in. Aren’t you ready to let go of your pain and suffering? My pain used to define me. I used to describe myself as a SURVIVOR! Now I describe myself as an Adventurer, a lover of life, an ambassador of light. I prefer the latter. Wishing you a joyful, day moving forward into the wind. When you do, the wind will be at your back instead of in your face.

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