By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
For those living in a sexless marriage, touch, snuggling, kissing and even hugging are things of the past. Rejection, frustration, abandonment and a feeling of being unloved permeate these marriages. How do so many marriages end up with sex taken off the table, never mind out of the bedroom?
Both men and women can be rejected in sexless marriages. Having been in one myself for a short while, I feel tremendous compassion for you. A marriage that is considered sexless if you have sex no more than 10 times in a year. Approximately 15 to 20% of couples define themselves as being in a sexless marriage.
Newsweek stated that married couples have sex just over 68 times a year or 6.9 times more per year than single people or those who have never been married.
Your relationship may seem normal and happy from the outside, you’ve raised your children, you may even vacation together, but when sex isn’t happening once a week, couples begin to snipe at one another, or feel resentful and angry.
What Is The Problem?
Each couple may have a different source for the disconnect. These are some of the reasons one party doesn’t want to be sexually intimate with the other.
- They don’t like sex.
- They don’t like sex with the opposite sex but can’t tell you, as they are too ashamed. The lie they are living is too hard to tell you. Many people marry the opposite sex because it is what is expected either from religion, culture or society. The coverup continues because of guilt, fear or shame. Have you noticed how older women and men are coming out after being married for years? Some have the courage to do so, while others are too afraid of losing family connection, so they keep their homosexuality under wraps.
- They fear intimacy. Most people have no idea that they fear intimacy. A fear of intimacy required counseling, coaching, and encouragement to break through. A fear of intimacy won’t go away without some effort, negotiation and professional help. Spiritually Bonded Intimacy will help you.
- They don’t like the person you have become or that they have gotten to know. We have to like each other to want to have sex regularly with them. Perhaps you have done something they don’t like, you don’t smell good, aren’t clean enough, or just aren’t what or the type of person they are attracted to today.
- After childbirth, many women feel they have done their duty and don’t feel sexual, sexy or attractive. Sex can become a chore. Some women find sex something to be feared because they don’t want to become pregnant again.
- Menopause can cause challenges and symptoms that make sex too uncomfortable and they aren’t motivated enough to do something about it. There are bioidentical hormones, ThermiVa a non-surgical laser treatment that increases collagen, elasticity, youthfulness as well as moisture in the vagina.
- They are shut down emotionally. Sexual abuse from childhood can cause both men and women to have issues with sex later in life. The issue of molestation doesn’t go away when you ignore it. Get some coaching with someone like me that has healed the trauma of sexual abuse. Or visit a Tantra class.
- They have low self-esteem. Self-esteem when healthy includes a healthy self-image and positive feelings about sex. When we don’t feel good about ourselves, we may feel uncomfortable and unsexy when naked. Low self-esteem can be remedied and is the foundational work that I do for my clients.
- They are depressed. Depression and antidepressants remove the desire for sex. Get help for your depression. I do clearings for people that alleviate this issue.
Don’t Ignore This Issue It Won’t Go Away
We need to know someone well before we commit to marriage. Often we are so focused on the getting married part that we ignore the red flags we see along the way to the wedding. A marriage is much more than friendship. Marriage is friendship with benefits. If you don’t plan on having sex after the marriage, don’t get married.
The bottom line is that living in a sexless marriage is like being on board a ship full of dead bodies. There was beauty there once, but not anymore. It feels dead, disconnected and cold in a sexless marriage. Sex helps to keep a couple connected, intimate so that they can talk about anything. When we aren’t having sex regularly communication breaks down, and a wall is created that keeps us apart, segregated and feeling isolated.
Negativity comes in filling the void which eventually feels like you are not in a marriage at all but just roommates. Marriage is a loving connection between two people which involves a commitment to be sexual, close and connected. A sexless marriage isn’t loving. Get some help now! Your problems won’t go away by ignoring them.
Read my book Orgasm For Life a clearly written guide to deep intimacy, connection, compassion, and understanding what your partner needs. Orgasm For Life is an in-depth look at oral, touch, G-spot, orgasm and communicating about sex without embarrassment or angst. This book will turn you on, power you up and bring light into areas of darkness. It is humorous and written with compassion for both sexes.