Each of us has experienced being controlled at some point in our lives. Having someone attempt to control us can feel stifling and frustrating. For those of us who love a sense of freedom, control is the exact opposite of it. Control is our way of directing influence over another person or situation.
We are attempting to control another person when we expect them to perform a task the way we feel it needs to be done, using a particular set of tools and parameters. Control takes over when we feel out of control or in fear. If our partner wants a divorce or leaves us we can feel a loss of control. Situations that don’t end the way we want them to can leave us feeling out of control and in fear. Controlling our environment can give someone who feels intense fear a sense of safety in a perverse way.
Trying to make others happy is one way we attempt to control our environment. Heaven forbids that someone should stray, or do something unexpected when we want ultimate control. Those that control others can feel oppressive and be challenging to be around.
Surrender is letting go of the outcome and allowing a situation to right itself.
I had a difficult time understanding surrender until I left an Atlanta courtroom October 18, 2002, disappointed and in dismay at the amount of money, I spent to gain full custody of my youngest child, my daughter. My daughter hated having to leave our home where we had horses, seven acres of rolling countryside with a lake and pets to her father’s home every other week. She wanted to live full-time with me. After our third court appearance and blowing over twenty thousand dollars on my fight, I told my daughter I was done. I gave up and stopped fighting. I didn’t realize it until afterward, I surrendered to the universe.
What occurred in less than three weeks after our final court date was nothing short of miraculous. I remember my phone ringing at 9:00 AM on a cold fall day. My ex-husband spoke sternly to me while I listened to his directive. “Do you still want Ariel full time?” My response rolled off my tongue, “Of course!” “Then pick her up after school. I can’t have her at my current residence.” I had to let go of the fight for things to fall into place. Fighting for custody didn’t do it. Spending $20,000 on attorneys fees didn’t do it either. Letting go and surrendering to the universe is what caused the shift. Ariel and I got our wish but only after I totally surrendered all control.
My letting go meant I no longer fought with my ex. I surrendered to the court’s recommendation. Fighting for anything never brings us peace. We can’t fight a war on drugs and win anymore than we can fight a war on cancer and heal everyone on the planet. Fighting never solves anything. I had to let go of the fight for things to fall into place. Fighting for custody didn’t do it. Spending $20,000 on attorneys fees didn’t do it either. Letting go and surrendering to the universe is what caused the shift. Ariel and I got our wish but only after I totally surrendered all control.
We Believe We Can Control The Universe
We really don’t have control of the universe. We think we do, but we don’t. Learning to trust that whatever is happening is in our best interest is how we let go and move into a state of allowing.
Women Attempt To Change Their Men
Women are notorious for attracting men and then spending the rest of their lives attempting to mold their man into someone else. If we truly accepted a man unconditionally, we would just allow him to be who he is and love him anyway. Unconditional love means love without limits, parameters, and control. We can only control ourselves and even that we have very little of. Think of the last time you got angry. Were you able to control your words, emotions or tears?
Our emotions are going to do what they are going to do. We might cry out of the blue when we hear something on the radio, or a memory from our past surfaces unconsciously. We can choose how we respond to outside stimulus most of the time. However, given the changing landscape of our world and relationships, we never know how our partner will act, stay or when they will decide to leave us. Surrender is our ability to roll with whatever comes and float along in spite of it all.