Why We Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners

It is so easy to see emotional unavailability in our partners. We might not feel it immediately, but anyone with addictions, codependency or past trauma is probably emotionally unavailable.

It wasn’t immediately evident to me in my relationships. It took one of my cats to teach me that I also had emotionally unavailability within myself. I was aghast! ME? Emotionally unavailable? No way! When I began to turn my attention and focus inward I saw that indeed if I was attracting men who were emotionally unavailable that I was too.

What types of people typically have issues being emotionally available?-addicts

  • people with addictions even to a hobby, sport, work, pornography or sex
  • those with PTSD or past trauma
  • people whose heart has been broken
  • those with anxiety
  • depressed people
  • people with substance addictions
  • co-dependent people
  • people who are unaware of their emotions
  • those who feel numb
  • partners who cheat even sexting to others
  • people with low self-esteem
  • a bride groom who gropes an underage waitress at his wedding most certainly is emotionally unavailable.

People that are unable to talk about their feelings are emotionally unavailable. Often the only type of emotion that we see is anger because it is the only emotion they feel safe expressing. If avoidance of questions and issues is their mode of communication it is likely they are emotionally unavailable.

Commitment Issues

YUP! The biggie! If you can’t commit you have a fear of intimacy. If you have a fear of intimacy you are emotionally unavailable. The two go hand-in-hand. If your boyfriend or girlfriend can’t commit it is because they are emotionally unavailable. It is a fear of allowing someone to see us naked without a mask or an artificial persona. When we move beyond the fear our relationships become delicious and juicy. Sex becomes a soulful expression of our true selves instead of just banging body parts together.

It can take years of deep inner work to heal the heart. It takes courage to look at our personal issues and admit we have something we need to heal. Kundalini yoga, energy clearings and meditation all help. I’ll be doing a heart-mind meditation on video soon and will share it to assist you.

Relationships can be a source of comfort for someone who is emotionally unavailable. Unfortunately, we hide in these relationships behind avoidance and deflection often using anger to stop discussions.

Expecting someone to change when they don’t even see there is an issue is like trying to close the door after the horses have left the barn. People need to desire something better and use determination to get there.

I’ll share more about what did it for me below.

Where Does Emotional Unavailability Come From?

  • sexual trauma
  • critical parents
  • physical abused in childhood
  • emotionally or physically abandoned by parents
  • critical spouses or partners
  • partners who nag
  • a failed marriage
  • intense heart-break where vows might be spoken to never love again or have to experience such pain ever

You are held at arm’s length rather than having a deep connection and intimacy.

Sometimes we attract someone who is emotionally unavailable because one of our parents was. We are repeating the pattern of trying to make it right for the other person. We can’t expect another person to change any more than we can make another person happy. It has to be their idea. We have to be responsible for our personal happiness and they have to be responsible for theirs.

How Can We Recover From Being Emotionally Unavailable?

Questions To Ask

  1. Do you or your partner over commit or work 60 hours a week or more.
  2. Do you or your partner use avoidance techniques rather than talking about important and intimate subjects?
  3. Do you one foot in this relationship while looking for the PERFECT partner OUT THERE at the same time?
  4. Are you focused on finding Mr. or Mrs. PERFECT?
  5. Do you allow people to get to know the real you?
  6. Do you use passive-aggressive behavior to get your point across instead of asking directly?
  7. Do you have a difficult time having sex with your partner?
  8. Do you go to bed later than your partner to avoid sex and intimacy?
  9. Do you make all kinds of excuses about why you can’t be intimate sexually?
  10. Do you hide under old trauma that is unhealed rather than get therapy, coaching, and healing to alleviate these issues?
  11. Or maybe you avoid relationships altogether and prefer to isolate yourself away from family, friends and loved ones saying that they are the ones with the problem?

What Can You Do?

Awareness is the first step to recovery. Once we begin to recognize that we have an issue attracting others that are emotionally unavailable we need to look inside and recognize our personal traits and look back to see where these issues might have originated. It’s okay. You are on the right path. Breathe.

Steps To Take To Heal The Heart

I have been working on opening my heart for years. What worked for me was setting my intention to do so. I meditate daily and set an intention to open my heart completely. I asked for Universal assistance and allowed my heart chakra to be opened from the back. Setting an intention and asking for guidance on what to do next helped me.

I began listening to music that would allow me to cry. I asked to release the pain, sadness, sorrow, grief and disappointment I still carried without looking to see where it came from.

Kundalini Yoga To Open The Heart 

Kundalini Yoga is a technology that allows wide heart-opening to occur. There are two types of breathing that helped me release the blocks. The breath of fire is extremely helpful in releasing heart blocks. I also do the Subagh Kriya.

Holotropic breathing is done by sipping air first into the lower abdomen and then sip into the heart through the mouth releasing sharply through the mouth. It is a three-part breath. Sip-sip exhale. It doesn’t take much before you begin to release. Don’t be afraid to cry, it is what needs to happen.

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