Mothers that blame their children for their negligence, abandonment and despicable behavior continue to cause harm well beyond middle age.
You might be blamed for being the wrong sex, or for being born at all. Perhaps you were blamed for ruining her career. Or maybe like me, you were blamed and continue to be so for ruining your abuser’s life. If your mother or father was a narcissist it is likely you are an empath.
All Blame and No Responsibility
Mothers that continue to blame their children for the horrors they neglected, ignored and pretended didn’t exist are narcissists and sociopaths.
Narcissists and sociopaths have little to no empathy or sympathy for others. You might remember coming home after being bullied at school and having your mother ask, “What did you do to cause this event?” As your mind reels from the fact that your mother had absolutely no sympathy for your trauma, how could this be? Isn’t a mother supposed to soothe you when you are wounded?
Litte Nurture and Low Self-Esteem
When we aren’t nurtured by our mothers we are emotionally abandoned. We don’t trust ourselves or anyone else either. JEM
We might have the outward appearance of being cared for nice clean clothes and hair, but our emotional needs certainly were not met. We become emotionally unavailable ourselves as a result of the emotional abandonment. We may work our entire life on this issue to open our heart fully and recover from our childhood.
Narcissists Care About
A narcissistic mother is very concerned about outward appearances. She might tell you to make sure you don’t talk about what goes on inside your home because it is private. Narcissists want to be loved, adored in fact and given plenty of compliments.
Narcissistic mothers will look lovely, with hair and makeup done, the house impeccably clean, meals on the table on time and even serve home-made dessert. A house-proud woman will spend hours cleaning and cooking for guests to ensure that all outer appearances give off the best impression.
Characteristics Of A Narcissistic Mother
- nothing will ever be her fault
- she will always be the victim
- she will never be there for you
- it’s always about them no matter your plight
- she will never see you or recognize your wins, woes or worries
- she will present a public face but privately be very different
- will never take responsibility for anything
- she will always point out your flaws
- will never admit to being wrong
- she has no empathy
- when you withdraw your support for her she will make up stories about you
- she will rewrite history
- she is hypocritical
- she will contradict herself
- her children will be responsible for her care, even financial support
- she will use silent treatment which can go on forever without contact or reaching out
- will always blame others
What’s Important To A Narcissistic Mother
- outward appearances
- their looks
- clothing is impeccable
- that they are liked
- that they look like a good mother to those on the outside looking in
- they might want the biggest house on the block, nicest clothes, best garden
- that the family looks good to the neighbors
- that no one on the outside is aware of the problems within the family
- we keep our family secrets SECRET
Narcissistic mothers perfect gas-lighting. In my first book, Odyssey Victim to Victory, I shared a traumatic very personal event where my mother insisted on me emptying the bathroom trash can into the fireplace. I pleaded with her to throw the very personal contents (from a menstruating teen) into the kitchen trash. My mother insisted I throw the trash contents into the living room fireplace.
My mother was very careful to keep our trash to a minimum and burned paper products in the fireplace. She “forgot” to burn the contents of the fireplace this particular day.
Borderline Personality Disorder TOO?
Often mothers that blame also have Borderline Personality Disorder, like mine. Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder smiled less with their infants, touched less, played fewer games and had difficulty responding to their babies emotional state. These unmet needs risk disorganized attachment and rob a child of self-esteem, comfort, security, and an ability to bond deeply with others.
Being raised by a mother with BPD causes poor family cohesion, psycho-social challenges with ongoing inter-personal challenges that create low self-esteem with an inability to thrive in life or feel joy.
Following are additional characteristics of mothers with BPD.
- lack of bonding with the infant
- low levels of concern for the child’s emotional state
- little to no play or fun in the home
- a high level of intrusion
- controlling through guilt
- create co-dependent relationships with their children in order to control them
Self-Esteem Is Undermined
That night as the ladies were gathered in the living room for the Tupperware party, there was my used Kotex pad, totally unrolled for everyone to see. My stomach turned then dropped in the familiar feeling of guilt. I was held responsible for my mother’s happiness. I failed miserably this day. I certainly didn’t make my mother happy as I knew what was about to happen. My mother glared at me with daggers in her eyes glancing at the fireplace. I was being blamed for what she told me to do.
After the ladies left she screamed at me for forty minutes. “How could you be so stupid as to put your used pad in the fireplace! You knew the ladies were coming over tonight! Honestly, I don’t know what got into you! You don’t even care about me or how embarrassing that was for me!” The tirade continued. I was grounded and punished for my behavior. When I attempted to explain that she told me to dump the trash can in the fireplace, she looked at me in disbelief, “I never told you to do that! How could you be so stupid to think I would tell you that?”
The Damage Is Done Methodically
Our mother’s keep us constantly off-balance with the demands for taking care of them as if we are the adult in the relationship and attempting to keep pace with the constantly changing emotional volatility present in our household.
We are made responsible for our mother’s happiness. Guilt and shame are employed to keep us in check. As the two lowest vibrating emotions we are kept small, insignificant, codependent with extremely low self-esteem. We are constantly reminded of what our mothers did for us and how much they spent on our clothes, music and dance lessons. Even though we might not want the lessons, these things make the narcissist mother look good to all her friends.
Keeping Mother Happy
A narcissistic mother might try to choose your friends and boyfriends. She might have made you break up with someone because they didn’t meet her high standards. Heaven forbid that the neighbors might talk about your boyfriend with long hair.
In my household, my father walked a tightrope doing his best to keep my mother happy. He often took us, kids, aside saying, “To keep peace in the family ……….” For me, it meant having to break up with my steady boyfriend because he had long hair. She sent me away to make sure it stuck. But I got her, I married him!
What Needs To Be Done
If you had a mother, like me, you need loving-kindness and acceptance. You may feel you have dedicated your entire life to serving this woman while you put your life on hold. The deep wounding that occurred from having a narcissistic mother with Borderline Personality Disorder means you need a deep connection with your inner child that is lacking.
What You Need
As a coach that has worked through these issues and continues to work through layers as they come up, I recognize how traumatic your childhood was for you. You need to feel comfortable in your own skin, feel safe being who you are, get to know and love yourself, feeling that you are enough.
I help you get in touch with your inner child to regain a sense of joy in life as well as play. Feeling playful has been missing for those with this type of mother.
I’ll help you get the joy and fun back in life by helping you heal the past trauma. I understand how it feels to be challenged with a mother that couldn’t love you fully in the ways you long to be loved.
What Happens If You Don’t Do Anything
Relationships are challenging at the best of times. Without healing the initial trauma in your life you will keep attracting people who will abuse you and emotionally abandon you. Our children suffer when we have unhealed trauma.
Emotional unavailability will permeate friendships and affairs until we heal these deep hurts and underlying unconscious beliefs. It took me thirty-five years of self-healing, introspection, diligence, research, and study to get to a place of joy. You have the benefit of my wisdom that comes with living and growing on a healing path putting effort into action daily changing beliefs and repatterning the brain through Kundalini Yoga, and healing.
Find Your Joy!
You deserve to be happy and joyful. I found mine and can help you uncover your joy and fulfillment. Let’s get you on the road to enjoyment, pleasure, and happiness today! Book your Clarity Call today and get the help you need!
Famous Narcissistic Women
- Joan Crawford
- Sharon Stone
- Paris Hilton
- Kim Kardashian
- Mariah Carey