By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
Faking it in the bedroom is not solving anything.
Faking orgasms is inauthentic. In the most intimate of moments you are lying to your partner. How do you think he will feel when he finds out? CRUSHED!~
Faking it is a huge lie. If you fake it during sex, you probably lie about other things within your relationship as well. Where else do you lie to your partner? Faking it is avoidance of the issues, at hand. You are not doing yourself or your relationship any favors by hiding this truth. The fact that you are faking it means you are afraid to talk about a very deep and intimate issue.
Transparency is the way to go in open and honest relationships. Complete honesty with nothing to hide builds trust, and creates intimacy. Learning to talk about what you need and desire in the bedroom takes compassion and moving beyond your fears of intimacy.
Why Do Women FAKE IT?
According to a recent study 80% of women fake orgasm over 50% of the time. 28% of men fake orgasms. This is not a mean-spirited act, but rather to boost their partners self esteem. We fake it because we don’t want to bruise our partner’s ego. We fake it because if we don’t, you won’t get any sleep. We fake it because we don’t want to hurt our partner’s feelings. I have to be honest. I used to. I was concerned about my husband’s ego. I felt bad and often guilty because I didn’t feel complete. It left me feeling insecure and uncomfortable. I knew there was a better way. I had tried to talk about it, but my husband became very hurt and also angry. He felt threatened. It felt awkward and uncomfortable. Understand that you are not alone. That millions of women have the same issues and that there is help. Knowing the best way to approach this very sensitive subject helps.
The typical woman needs 45 minutes of foreplay to achieve an orgasm. The average man on the other hand can last between 2 and twenty minutes up to an hour for some men. (Gentlemen, please recognize that I am talking averages here.) It can feel uncomfortable and put both parties under pressure when an orgasm doesn’t happen. As a result, many fake it and that’s that, it’s over. It makes you wonder why we were created with such different needs. The amount of time and attention most women need seems so out of proportion to what men need. When some men get excited to the point of orgasm just by seeing their partner naked. As the comedian Whitney Cummings says, all she has to do is take her boyfriend’s socks off! It seems the kind thing to do – fake it.
What Issues Are Created By Faking It?
Frustration from lack of fulfillment leads to anger and resentment. This is not anyone’s fault. When you aren’t satisfied and make a habit of faking it, you will eventually feel left out and even angry. When do you stop and turn to face the elephant in the room; after 5 years, 10, or when you get a divorce? Women eventually become disenchanted with sex when the outcome consistently leaves them feeling flat and unsatisfied. When women fake it, the men usually have no idea. They snuggle peacefully thinking they have done their job well and go to sleep. Women, more often than men, are the ones left hanging, frustrated unable to sleep after sex. People this is supposed to be fun, pleasurable and bring you closer, not the other way around!
A block to intimacy is created by a lack of honesty. It is better to recognize that there is a disparity rather than to continue to fake orgasms. Talking about the subject without blame is important. Be compassionate with yourself and your partner. Telling your partner that you have not been having orgasms can be a shocker, if you have been doing so for a very long time. Breaking the ice is important. Don’t blame your partner. Admitting that there is an issue and you are willing to work through it is what is best for you both.
Frigidity and Sexual Dysfunction
One in three women have been molested at some point in their lives. One in four women will be sexually assaulted or raped at some point in their lifetime. These statistics tell a sad story. Sexual dysfunction comes from sexual trauma. Getting help is important. Healing from trauma must occur for many women to be able to have a healthy sex life. Decades after sexual trauma there is cellular memory in the sensitive vaginal walls that can make sex painful and orgasms elusive for many women.
Rule of Thumb
This article below from the LA Times discusses the physiology of the female anatomy. The premise is that the distance of the clitoris to the vagina is what makes the difference of function or dysfunction that can cause difficulty with orgasms for many women. You are not alone if you have challenges completing the sex act without some help.
What Is The Kind Thing To Do?
Be honest. Intimacy does not happen when you lie. Explain to your partner that there is an issue. Get help from a sex coach or a sex therapist. There are plenty of Tatrikas that also help with sexual healing and dysfunction.
Nine MAGIC Steps To Getting There?
RELAX! You have to relax to achieve an orgasm.
Get to know your own body. Find out what feels good for you, so that you can tell your partner what you like. If you don’t know, how will he?
BREATHE. Your body requires oxygen to achieve an orgasm.
BE PRESENT. Stay out of your head. You can’t relax and achieve an orgasm when you are thinking about everything that you didn’t get done today.
Follow the 10 minute rule. 10 minutes of kissing, 10 minutes of light touching, 10 minutes of massage. (You get the picture. Follow my 5 step method in my video below. )
Don’t be afraid to make sounds. Sounds can help get you further than when you are silent.
LET GO of your fear and need to control everything. Take your time and don’t try and rush. The more relaxed you are the better. An orgasm is about letting go, not hanging on for dear life.
OPEN YOUR EYES. Make eye contact throughout love making. When you close your eyes you are in avoidance. Avoidance means you will lose connection with your partner. To achieve an orgasm more easily remain connected rather than disconnected to your partner.
CONNECT your heart to your second chakra (sexual parts). This helps to keep you connected.