By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
Baseball, hockey, football, lacrosse, soccer are all competitive sports. A relationship is not one of them.
Competing for hierarchical position, who is most loved by children, in-laws or others, destroys a relationship. Competition is a lower egoic construct and has no place in a loving relationship.
We compete because we are insecure. We compete because we feel we have something to prove. We compete because we think someone is out to get us, or get something over on us. If you and your partner are competitive your relationship is on the rocks.
Competition is about winning. Competition shows who is better than the other. If this is the basis for your relationship you are destroying what love might have been there. No one wins in marriage. Showing your partner up, shows how little you think of yourself. You don’t have enough love to give yourself, so you have to destroy your partner on some level. Winning helps you feel better about yourself, but tells your mate you think you are better than they are.
Competition is destructive. It does not matter who has changed more diapers, or walked the dogs more. It does not matter who works harder or longer hours. In the scheme of things if this is the focus of your relationship, I have to ask where is the love?
Why did you come together in the first place? What attracted you to this person. Is there enough love to stay together? If so, get some help. This is a battle that no one wins. No one feels good at the end of the day. It is very difficult to want to make love to someone who feels that they are better than you. Intimacy does not result from showing your partner up.
No one is better than another. The focus in life is on Unity. There is no “I” in team, remember? You are focusing on you, and your relationship is what will lay destroyed on the playing field.
Remember a relationship mirrors back to you what is going on in your unconscious mind. If you are competing or feeling you need to “one-up” your partner, it is in an effort to make yourself FEEL better. When you destroy the other’s self esteem, your relationship suffers, you end up in conflict and separate. Nothing about competition helps your relationship. Competition will destroy what love is left.
A Healthy Relationship
In a happy, balanced and healthy relationship both partners express interest and appreciation for each other every day. They support each other, with encouragement, rather than trying to be better than the other. They complement, and say thank you for the things that the other does for them. They show caring, affection, love with their words, actions and looks. Touching is part of a caring, balanced and healthy relationship. Making love keeps you close, intimate and connected. When a couple is having sex frequently, deep conversations about meaningful subjects create deeper intimacy and better communication. They share what is important to them, as their hearts are open. Regular sex changes a paradigm of competition and builds intimacy, through trust and communication. Where competition destroys intimacy, creates distrust and closes your hearts.
How Can You Change This Paradigm?
- Take Responsibility. Recognize if you have a reaction, it is YOURS. Take responsibility for your reaction, rather than BLAME your partner.
- Go inside and see why you feel compelled to put your partner down?
- What about your relationship makes you feel good? Write down why you want to stay in this relationship. When you recognize that you are on the road to destroying your relationship, you have several choices. Stay, go, continue to fight. Which do you want?
- Write down all the good things about your partner.
- Begin to appreciate the things that your partner does for you. Tell them thank you.
- Spend some time each day telling each other what you appreciate in them.
- Take some interest in what your partner is doing, rather than attempting to show them up by doing or bragging about how much MORE you have done.
- Write down what makes you feel afraid of being in this relationship.
- Talk to your partner about making some powerful changes within the way you relate.
- Consider hiring a coach who can help you with communication issues, or a therapist.
- Get some help. Changing the paradigm within a relationship takes work, structure and mutual desire to make it work.
Spending time with couples who have healthy, balanced and positive relationships can help. Watch how they interact with one another. Copy some of their styles of relating. Communicate with your partner that you would like things to be different and get their commitment to work on changing the way you relate. Both parties must work on this together for success.
The basis for competition is a lack of self esteem. Competition highlights your insecurity. Take a self love course. Focus on yourself and making you feel better in positive ways, rather than negative ones. Hire a self love coach, that has healed their own insecurities.
Remember competition is not a part of love. Competition will destroy what you have. Look for the good in each other, instead of your partner’s faults.
Jennifer is a catalystic life, love and sex coach. She empowers women to love themselves fearlessly using the tools she created to heal her own unworthiness. She is an intuitive, giving you clear guidance on your deep issues in positive non-judgmental ways. Her guidance is clear, direct and positive. Her clients feel she knows them better than anyone has before. She is compassionate, caring, yet a no BS person. She will not beat around the bush. Instead, her guidance is direct, to the point and non-judgmental. Her wisdom and guidance shared will help you see the truth of your issues and soften your gaze, rather than continue to beat yourself up. The key here is that you don’t change, but soften your perspective in myriad of ways, that creates acceptance rather than judgment.
Jennifer empowers you, helps you remove the fears and recognize your brilliance and beauty so that you radiate from within. These changes create permanent happiness, rather than looking for the next relationship to charge you up, fleetingly. Until you love yourself, your relationships will look the same – addictive, codependent and controlling. Isn’t it time you began to look at yourself with eyes of LOVE, rather than beating yourself up?
E-mail Jennifer for a free 30 minute discovery session to see if Jennifer’s work is a good fit for your life. Jennifer is the author of Orgasm For Life available on Amazon.com. Orgasm For Life will help you look at your partner with fresh and loving eyes. It will create a deeper understanding and clearer communication as well as heat up the passions of desire in your relationship.