By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters
What’s Wrong With Too Frequent Sex?
Sex is healthy. Sex is good for you. What is you have a compulsion that just can’t be filled? How can you tell if you have a problem with sex addiction. Beautiful David Duchovny, pictured here starred in Californication. Playing a sex addict seemed to take David over, as he also became one.
Tiger Woods, and other movie stars have been depicted as sex addicts. When do you cross the line between a healthy libido and a compulsion? Moreover, why does it happen?
Signs You Are A Sex Addict
- You think, breathe and want sex all the time.
- You cheat compulsively on your partner or spouse.
- Excessive or obsessive masturbation.
- Habitually having anonymous sexual encounters.
- Engaging in habitual phone sex – often with unknown people.
- Engaging in sexual encounters that interfere with work, school or relationships.
- Inability to curb fantasies, urges or risk taking.
- Having sex especially when depressed.
- Turning to prostitution to either have needs met.
- Getting angry, anxious or depressed without frequent sex.
Voyeurism is often a part of sex addiction, which may or may not include pornography. People with a sex addiction often feel a large whole that can’t seem to be fulfilled, even with frequent sex. Sex only temporarily solves the problem.
It is my belief that everyone at SOME point in their lives has some type of addiction. Whether it is pornography, shopping, eating, drinking, pot smoking or drinking alcohol, addiction is something everyone struggles with at some point in their life.
Self acceptance and self love is at the core of our inability to feel fulfilled. Until we completely love and accept ourselves, we will look to others to fill that void within us.
Sex addiction can be cured. When you find something that fills that void, whether it is helping others, loving yourself completely or doing something that gives you a passion for life, there is help for you.
When I was in my 20’s, I suffered from sex addiction. I was sexually molested as a child, which placed the emphasis on sex for me. I didn’t feel loved unless I was having sex. I associated sex with love. What I didn’t understand is that sex isn’t and doesn’t have to be love-related. Sex could just be the physical act of getting off. The instant exhilaration that makes you feel fully alive and takes your pain away – even for a moment. It took me a while to recognize that it was the way I felt about me, that empty feeling was what I was trying to make go away. After the sex addiction disappeared, it was replaced by a shopping addiction, then alcohol and then food. Until I completely loved and accepted myself as I was, did all these addictions completely disappear.
Even today, I have a tendency to crave sweets, which is a sign of missing out on the sweetness of life (from childhood trauma). The less I act on those urges, the less I crave sweets. Having something else to fill this void, that fulfills you is key. My spiritual practice, meditation, prayer, chanting mantras keeps me feeling full, peaceful and completely in the moment. Feeling that life is enough, that I make a difference in other’s lives, and enjoying the little things in my life, means that there is no longer emptiness, loneliness or a void.
The fact that we are not able to feel validated, loved and accepted by others, comes from a lack of self acceptance. When we constantly seek a physical act to numb us, we are just trying to avoid feeling pain. Any addiction is an avoidance of pain.
Allowing ourselves to feel is key. The avoidance of feeling is what causes addiction. We use the addiction to take our pain away. But it only takes it away for a moment, not permanently. We have to allow the stuck feelings to come up, cry, scream in our car, or on the top of a mountain. Or come out to the desert and do a Shamanic process to release your pain with me. The truth of the matter is that this is curable. You can move out of the pain and suffering of addiction. I did, without a 12 step program. I did it by loving acceptance of myself. If I can do it, you can too.
Avoiding Pain Causes Suffering
Anytime you try to avoid something, the opposite happens. You stay stuck in the place of suffering with what you are trying to get away from. This causes you to suffer more. You can’t run away from yourself, even through sex. You will always show up. Instead embrace who you are. The more you love and accept you, the less you will need to have sex to feel fully alive.
Passion For Life
Most people are stuck where they are. They are stuck in misery of a break-up, lousy job, relationship or life. We think and regret the past and focus on the future, wishing and hoping we will win the lottery to get out of our pain. No lottery, relationship, job or move will bring you the joy you are not feeling.
Things and people only temporarily remedy our situation. We have to stop and look inward. Focus on who we really are. We are not our addiction. The addiction is only a symptom of what is going on inside you. The addiction is not who you are. Running away through sex does not make you feel permanently better or happy.
Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is the author or Orgasm For Life, a passionately written book to bridge the chasm between men and women. She is a life, sex and love coach. She lives in the Mojave desert in California. She offers private and group sessions, by phone or Skype. Her work is life-changing. She has helped thousands of men and women overcome anxiety, depression, low self esteem and financial issues. You can reach her via e-mail HERE. Or visit her website http://www.JenniferElizabethMasters.com
This Wednesday Jennifer is joined on Love Yourself Fearlessly Radio by Winn Henderson. Winn is an expert on addiction and has written several books on the topic. Join us this Wednesday for a very interesting topic, at 5:00 PM Pacific and 8:00 PM Eastern. You can dial in or download the show afterward.
(605) 475-4000 PIN 939401#
Dr. Winn Henderson had me on his show as well – for your double-whammy tune in to his show here:
This show airs at 5:45 EST on Wednesday.