Relationships naturally have ups and downs. Sometimes we feel very connected to our spouses and other times we may wonder what brought us together in the first place? We can sometimes feel alienated, resentful and angry with the person we are married to. We are different. Men and women are wired differently with differing needs.
A sexless marriage is defined as a marriage where a couple has sex no more than 10 times a year.
What causes a sexless marriage between two healthy people? Differing sex drives is one of the biggest issues, however it is not always the cause. 20 to 30 percent of men and 30 to 50 percent of women say that they have no sex drive. – USA Today.
Relationships can be challenging, there is no doubt about that. Intimate relationships bring up our deepest fears and insecurities providing a mirror into our own issues. Relationships can also raise us to the highest of heights and incredible bliss when we are in sync, connected through mind-body-spirit with hearts wide open, communicating lovingly.
thought, without effort and certainly without resentment. When sex leaves a marriage you lose yourself, because you are denying your natural state.
Our sexuality is the core of who we are. When we deny ourselves pleasure through sex, we are repressed. Repression creates obsession. Usually the person rejected becomes obsessed with sex. The relationship and the couple are out of balance. Sex is a natural expression of love. Rejecting someone that wants to make love to you is withholding love and abusive.
Refusing sex is often egoic. Sometimes we get into our heads with deep criticism of the other person. We need to remember if we think it about the other person, we usually have the issue ourselves. Unforgiveness of past events and resentment can keep a couple on a sexless continuum until one either leaves or moves beyond their fear to break the silence. There are two parties in a marriage, it only takes one to cross the chasm to begin the repair of your relationship.
Anything worth having is worth risking. Just as any illness can be healed, so can any relationship. It takes effort, risk, patience and willingness to do whatever it takes. Think about what the costs are if you do nothing. Divorce, more heartbreak, financial ruin alimony and custody are real. Divorce is painful. You may not receive the hug you are hoping for on the first try, but if you don’t wave the white flag and offer your hand and open heart, you are not even trying. Following are 10 ways to open the door to reconnection and healing the rift in your sexless marriage:
- Return to love. Marriage is all about love. Remember the love you have shared. The person who is refusing sex needs more love, not less. Begin to show love in tender nurturing ways that have nothing to do with sex. A hand squeeze, a hug, doing something that you know they would appreciate, flowers, a love note. Someone has to make the first step without fear.
- Eye contact. When we stop having sex, we also stop looking at our partners deeply in the eyes. Reconnect through your eyes. Look at your partner through eyes of love, rather than anger,
resentment and unforgiveness. Make eye contact as often as possible. Remember how you used to gaze into each other’s eyes when you were dating?
- Communicate with an open heart. Talk about your day. Ask about your spouse’s. Let your partner know you are serious about re-connecting and healing your relationship and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that so. Communication is one of the biggest issues with couples who are not having sex. When sex is lacking, loving communication is usually not present either. Sharing your thoughts and feeling with your partner is a large part of getting you into the bedroom. If you are barely speaking, change that pattern.
- Praise and bless your spouse. Begin recognizing all that your spouse does. Praise their efforts. Tell them how much you appreciate them. When we don’t get what we want, we might say unkind things to get a reaction. Sometimes we lash out because we are hurt. If you want to rekindle the love and sex in your marriage saying negative things will not get you into the bedroom together.
- Acts of Service. To move off center you will have to pull out all the stops. Make dinner. Clean the bathroom. Do the laundry.
Do something nice that your spouse would appreciate. Don’t give up too soon, you are on a roll!
- Loving Kindness. Be kind to your spouse. Say kind words. Avoid criticism. When we aren’t getting what we want, we can recoil instead of move toward the person we want to be close to. The exact opposite has to occur. You didn’t get here overnight, it took time. Miracles happen, but I would do everything you used to do when you were blissfully happy. Actions speak louder than words. Show you mean what you say.
- Touch. Hold hands, touch their shoulder as you walk by, give their hand a loving squeeze. Notice that touch is way down the list. Touching too soon can lead to more rejection. Begin with something small that has no sexual connotation. Ask before
you move into a hug, or snuggling. Take it slow.
- Massage. Once you have moved slowly through these stages, ask if your partner would like a massage. If they are open to it, do so with the understanding that this is just a massage. If nothing more occurs, at least you have begun to touch each other in non-sexual ways. This is a huge step forward. Have no expectations. Don’t feel rejected if they are not ready yet to take it to the next step.
- Dance. Dancing is a beautiful way to move together in unison, but still safe enough for the other party to feel comfortable. Suggest a dance lesson, or go out dancing together. If this isn’t possible, there is always dancing in the dark at home. Again, have no expectations or agenda.
- Making Love. When you are able to reach this stage, it might have taken months or weeks. Whatever length of time it took is okay. Don’t be attached to time frames. You have been healing along the way, reconnecting through other means. Before having sex together make sure you discuss the terms or boundaries. How it needs to happen, how each of you will feel most comfortable. Use lubrication, just in case it is needed. Talk about what each of you wants, likes and prefers. Try not to control the outcome. Allow things to unfold naturally. Don’t have any expectations.
Low libido has many different causes. Our bodies need to be in balance for our hormones to operate properly. If you thyroid is out of whack other hormones will be also. Getting the thyroid checked is a first step. Low functioning thyroid is an epidemic in the US and other countries as well. Getting your hormones checked or taking a libido stimulant can also help. There are many good ones available in health food stores.
Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is an author, hypnotherapist, love and passion coach as well as an energy healer. She combines all of what she has learned from her own healing of addictions and codependence as well as the six modalities she is certified in her coaching. She is also a catalyst for healing. Just being on the phone with her will lift your spirits and help you feel more calm and peaceful. She helps those who are looking for love and happiness to find it within themselves first, so that they can become the magnet for it in the world. You can set up your Free discovery session with Jennifer to find out if her work is a good fit for you.