Life today is simple, easy, doing work I love. I am ecstatically happy every day. You would never know looking at me that seventeen years ago my life was crumbling in every direction. I was like the moth to the flame.
When things fall apart, there is a reason. You have chosen situations that weren’t in your highest good and the universe, and you have set about changing your life for the better. It just doesn’t look like there is anything good happening right now. When change is coming, there is nothing you can do to stop it. You might feel that chaos is your only friend.
Following is the shortened version: part of my first book Odyssey Victim To Victory. What began to happen in my life was the momentous change in every way.
My father died twenty-seven years ago, on September 22, 1989. My father was a larger than life character, a skeptic, freethinker, man’s man who introduced me to Metaphysics. He taught me to believe only what I knew to be true, rather than what people wrote or said. My father had been abused by his father, ran away from home at seven on a freight train from Toronto to Vancouver, British Columbia. He repeated his adventure again at age twelve. A beating awaited him upon both returns. Why would someone do something so great at such an early age? His home life had to be so horrible that anything was better than staying there.
I met Rich weeks after my father’s death. What I didn’t recognize at the time was that the familiarity I felt being with him was his deep rage, like my father’s. Even though I saw his dark, abusive side, I married him anyway. I married the bad boy. I ignored the red flags. He felt like home to me. His anger was so familiar; I felt like I was walking on egg shells the entire time we were married and long afterward.
I owned my home which was half paid off. Rich didn’t like the fact that it was my home. He wanted to build “his house.” It wasn’t “our home,” but HIS. His ego got in the way of recognizing I had a home we could easily afford. He pushed, prodded and
coerced me to use the equity in my home to live on and finance his building company. My fear of him was my motivator. My confidence and freedom were eradicated in this marriage. I felt imprisoned with no way of escaping. I had just given birth to Ariel I was forty-one.
For those of you who have never experienced abuse, some of this will seem preposterous, impossible to believe. Emotional and physical abuse eradicates confidence. When there is a threat of violence, there is emotional abuse. It makes us feel dependent on our abuser for everything with no hope, no will, hopeless. Fear is an all pervasive energy that surrounds you even while you sleep. The fear that they might murder you and your children while you sleep is real.
Like Attracts Like
(The caveat here is that Rich’s brother an ex-marine had committed a pre-meditated murder of his brother-in-law while Rich and I were together. He stabbed him thirty-five times. Rich’s father beat his mother, punching her in the face breaking her dentures in three. His family history was one of violence, greater than mine, but similar in energy.) My fear of anger and violence was the perfect match for Rich’s DNA of rage.
Huge beautiful home didn’t bring happiness
Without giving all the details, Rich built a huge home – “his house” that we couldn’t afford. He had four houses go back to the bank when the market crashed, and the economy tanked. We lost our home. Both my sons ended up living with their father; it nearly killed me. My family is the most important part of my life, losing both my sons even temporarily was devastating to my health and happiness.
The light was dawning in my mind, I wondered how I could escape with my life and safety of my daughter.
I sold all my beautiful things so that we would have money to live on, Rich sold none of his tools. While we were losing our home two of my beloved dogs were hit by one car. My oldest Siamese kitty’s health failed and her son and another dog had to be put to sleep within six months of our foreclosure. I knew all my animal’s deaths were trying to tell me something. Messages were everywhere. I needed to get out too, but how?
I had started a landscaping company before we lost our beautiful home. I had begun to make enough to support myself without Rich’s help. When his control of my phone calls, friends and family became too great, I finally got the courage to tell him he needed to leave.
The Universe sends help when we make a positive move for change. I gave him two weeks to move out. It just so happened that my sister-in-law’s brother, Alan had met a woman on the Internet and had flown to Georgia from England to be with her. When he
Right before our split
arrived from England, he found that she had misrepresented herself and was still married! He was heart-broken. He spent all his hard-earned money to fly over from The UK, only to find out she had lied! I recognized immediately that Alan was in Georgia for the first time for my protection and to ensure Rich left without hurting or harming anyone. When we talked, I explained what was happening with me and he quickly agreed to stay with me until Rich moved out. Alan was part of my family and had known me since I was fourteen.
My world was falling apart on all levels. I was in fear for my life while I slept. I hid Rich’s guns until I could get him out of my house. We moved to a farmhouse, in the Georgia countryside with a barn to store my tools. I found this beautiful place in a very strange way. I loved the house and the land and wanted to stay. This property was perfect for my daughter and I. It felt wrong for Rich to be there. I knew Rich had to go.
Why Things Happen The Way They Do
Our DNA has a great power over us, as does our karma. We attract what our parents model for us. Mine had modeled abuse, anger, and negativity. I was afraid of men. I was a magnet for a man who raged, yelled and became big and scary when he was angry. Rich was jealous, controlling and a macho man, like my father in many ways, except that he didn’t drink. The biggest similarity was his rage. I was attracted to that part of him that was so similar in energy to my father, unconsciously.
What Feels Like Home Might Not Be The Best For You!
I was attracted to what felt familiar. When I wrote down a list of what experiences I had in my home they were the following:
I kept repeating the same old patterns until my outside circumstances became so in-my-face, that I could no longer ignore them. Each relationship I had was worse than the one before. I was so afraid of this man I didn’t want to have sex with him. After Rich had moved out, I was able to get quiet, meditate and go within. Finally, I began to wake up. I knew I didn’t want to be abused any longer. I knew that my victim energy from my childhood sexual abuse was still present even though I had forgiven all my perpetrators. I had to clear the emotions.
I sat down and meditated. In this meditation, I was directed to create a relationship matrix. This matrix is what I use to guide my clients today.
Using this matrix, I realized that in all my relationships there were similarities. The Guidance I received asked me what the similarities are? What is the common denominator?
Wake Up And Smell The Coffee!
My big aha moment came after I saw that I was the only common denominator in all my relationships. I had to stop blaming others and look at how I attracted these men to me. I had to look at my reactivity from my childhood and clear the triggers. I had to change my behavior.
What’s The Use?
What is the point of all of this? Today, I help women love themselves above all else, fearlessly so that they attract positive, balanced, healthy relationships. I work with couples and single women to change their patterns and behavior so that they don’t continue to react, deny and push away love. All that happened in the past has removed judgment of others giving me great compassion for where people are. Having been there myself, I can’t judge another. Until we heal our DNA and our unconscious programming we attract unconsciously. We are like the moth to the flame. We attract what is not the best for us. We attract the dysfunction from our family of origin or past molestation. We move toward what feels familiar – even when it isn’t safe. If you think ignoring the past will make it less powerful, think again. We have to heal the past. We have to clear the old programs and patterns so that we aren’t a magnet for dysfunction. We have to change our behavior, recognize the red flags and pay attention to them, rather than ignore them. We have to love and accept ourselves as we are. Until we love ourselves completely, and stop denying our old patterns and behavior we continue to accept circumstances that aren’t good for us.
It took me over thirty years of healing, study, searching to get to where I am today. My happiness and bliss are my reward for all that I endured in the past. I worked very hard to clear the old patterns and unconscious beliefs that men are all angry, jealous and abusive, or that love hurt and abused. All of my experiences make me wise, compassionate and loving. I understand what my clients have been through because I have been there too.
If everything is falling apart in your world, it is because your life isn’t working for you the way it was. It is time for you to wake up, put yourself first, rather than your relationships, give to you, get to know yourself and clear the past. Isn’t it time for you to be happy
with you? When we become happy with ourselves, the rest falls into place effortlessly. Know that light is at the end of this tunnel of darkness, change, and chaos. There are better days ahead. What You Can Do Now To Feel Better
An energy clearing will give you clarity, calm the mind chatter, allow you to sleep better, clear anxiety, help you feel positive, lighter. Suicidal programs can be cleared; there is hope. If you feel hopeless, contact me right NOW! [email protected]
What about Rich? Rich died in his sleep July 4th, 2012 in Williston, North Dakota, while working in the oil fields; at the same age his father died, fifty-two, which was his biggest fear. We had overcome much and become friends. Read more here.