We are most vulnerable when we are naked. Reaching out to engage in sex takes an element of risk. When our advances are repelled we can be left feeling dejected, rejected or unloved. No matter what the reason is for not wanting sex, the rejected party can be left feeling hurt.
If you have ever been on the receiving end of a resounding, “No,” it doesn’t feel good. In relationships, we are rarely as interested in sex at exactly the same time. Hormones, sleep patterns, communication, and emotions can play a large part in determining how interested we are in sex. No matter what age we are, sex is an important part of a healthy, balanced relationship.
When one party reaches out, to attempt to be intimate and rejection is habitual; Houston, we have a problem. How we communicate our needs is important. We can’t blame or become resentful of the other because they want to show us some love. Sex is a part of a healthy balanced and happy relationship. How often sex takes place needs to be determined by the couple. Though you might not want to a conversation needs to take place. Negotiating how often sex occurs will vary from couple to couple.
Sometimes we get in the habit of saying no automatically, only to lay awake for hours when we could have made love and been sleeping peacefully afterward instead. How we navigate through to determine a compromise can shift your relationship from one that is adversarial and contentious to a loving happier relationship where compromise occurs, and both parties get what they want.
With both partners working we need to prioritize sex. We need to schedule time for intimacy due to busy schedules, children, work, sports or social events. Though scheduling doesn’t seem romantic or spontaneous, for many couples if a conscious effort isn’t made to create a space for sex, it doesn’t happen often enough. For others, it stops happening altogether.
When sex stops happening, the rejected party can end up with cardiovascular (heart) issues. Constant rejection can lead to a broken heart. Remember each time you reject your partner you are saying no to love. When rejection continues to happen, we can gain weight have reduced self-image, lowered self-esteem and feel unloved.
Several of my clients have been married well over twenty years. One of those couples has challenges because they go to bed at different times. They wake up at different hours as well. I recommended that they go to bed together so that they have more time to snuggle while they are both awake. More snuggle time leads to more opportunities for lovemaking.
Men need sex to feel intimate where women need intimacy to want to have sex.
Navigating our differences can be challenging. A desire to create more opportunities for sex recognizes that it is a part of a loving relationship.
It is rare for both parties to have exactly the same libido or sex drive. Vastly different sex drive can pose quite a problem where one person wants sex three times a week, and the other is only interested in sex when the seasons change. Men and women have different hormones that peak at different times which can also cause issues.
Hormones Dictate How We Feel
Generally speaking men’s hormone levels peak in the morning while women’s hormones are at their highest in the evening. A hormone is a chemical substance produced by the endocrine gland that causes a specific effect on other organs in the body. The predominant hormones for both men and women are classified as estrogens and androgens. Both male and female hormones are present in males and females but in vastly different amounts.
Men generally produce 6-8 mg of testosterone which is an androgen each day, while most women produce 0.5 mg of testosterone daily. Female hormones are present in both sexes, as you would imagine are in much larger amounts for women. Having your hormone levels checked can give you reassuring data or highlight an area that needs to be addressed. Doing the 5 Tibetan Rites daily can help to awaken the endocrine system and balance hormonal issues. Seriously, I do them every day and have found a tremendous shift in my energy level and hormones as well.
Issues That Can Arise When Sex Isn’t Frequent Enough
Sex might be frequent enough for one person, but not both parties. When someone feels left out or rejected, they might begin to feel resentful, angry and even vindicated for having an affair. Thinking about an affair in lieu of sex at home isn’t fair to either of you. Talk about what you need. Share your feelings.
When anger or resentment are evident because sexual intimacy is in short supply couples can begin to snipe at one another. Communication can become stilted or adversarial. Sex opens the doors for better communication and helps to ease stress between a couple.
What Can We Do To Have More Hot Encounters?
Do the following to help you create more opportunities for sexy time.
- Touch base during the day. Sometimes that quick check in is enough to find out that your partner had a challenging day. When they come home, you are already prepped to talk about what happened rather than jumping in with all the wonderful things that went right for you, that they might not want to hear just yet. Your compassion and understanding will allow them to feel heard and understood.
- Go to bed at the same time. Some couples go to bed at different times due to t.v. or Internet. Watching just one more YouTube video or binge watching your favorite program might be your way of avoiding intimacy or sex. Even if you have to get up after a bit if you can’t sleep, going to bed at the same time is important.
- Leave your smartphone off and in another room. Texting in the middle of the night will cause you stress in more ways than one. A cell phone in the bedroom will interrupt your sleep even on vibrate when those inevitable e-mails or early morning texts come in.
- Take some time to unwind, shutting off the computer and phone rather than jumping from dinner into bed immediately. Take a hot bath or shower before bed to help you sleep better, and it also prepares you for sex.
- Cuddle and kiss before drifting off to sleep even if you are too tired for sex. Make it a real kiss that has meaning rather than an off-hand peck on the lips or cheek that you might give your grandmother. Kissing releases oxytocin which can leave you feeling turned on wanting more, a lovely place to drift off from or take to a deeper level.
- Keep your television in the living room. Bedrooms are for two things; sleep and sex. Watching television in the bedroom has been proven to disrupt sleep and reduce the amount of intimacy a couple has.
- Don’t get too relaxed around your partner or spouse. You might enjoy passing gas and flip the covers, but your spouse might not be as turned on from your gaseous emissions as you are. If you didn’t do it while you were dating, don’t do it in the bed where you have sex.
- Put your kids to bed in their own beds. Having children in the marital bed definitely, interferes with intimacy. If one of you allow it most of the time and the other objects, it just might be that they are avoiding sex.
- Always say, “I love you,” before sleep. The fastest way to lose interest in one another is to take each other for granted. Instead, focus on what brought the two of you together and express gratitude for one another by saying how you really feel.
- Love each other unconditionally. None of us are perfect. We all have flaws and faults. Accepting our partner as they are is loving. Trying to change our partner or pointing out their flaws is not.
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Sex isn’t the foundation of a relationship, but it is the glue. Couples that have regular sex have better communication and less stress which allows them to weather the storms of life that are inevitable. Sex allows us to let the past go. There is nothing like feeling our partners skin contacting with ours and holding each other to allow hurt feelings to fade away. When we are able to communicate our needs with our partner in a loving way we become more vulnerable which is so sexy. So the next time you are thinking about rejecting your partner with “I’m too tired,” why not say YES with a smile, instead? Couples that have regular sex are more loving and able to overlook their partner’s flaws which is unconditional love.
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