Characteristics of An Abuser

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters and Kim Parke

Abuse is insidious. Most of us are unaware that we may have abused our children, mothers, fathers, friends, lovers or spouses. There are many forms of abuse from verbal, emotional, physical, sexual to neglect. Even rejecting your spouse repeatedly for love, affection and sex is abusive. 

We need good boundaries in our lives. We need to understand ourselves better, to see why we would endure such misery. We need to be more loving to those who have been abused, instead of turning our backs on them. They need our help more than anyone. Yet, women, children, elder parents and many others are abused everyday, without anyone stepping in to stop it.

What is it that turns our stomachs and makes us judge? Is it the ugliness that we don’t want to see within ourselves? Or is it our self righteousness that makes us feel better than others. In any event, this planet needs more compassion for those who are being and have been abused. It is a subject that is taboo in most circles. Perhaps if we don’t talk about it, it will go away?

In my life I was abused early. Because of the programming that changed me, I became a victim. I resonated with those who would abuse me. I attracted it into my life unconsciously. I experienced all forms of abuse in marriage. Once in an abusive relationship, it is extremely difficult to extricate yourself from it. Rising above, is next to impossible. Programs and patterns need to be cleared to be able to move beyond. Our unconscious minds need to be retrained, to feel love, acceptance and forgiveness for ourselves.

Kim Parke is a fellow Master hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and healer. She and I have been chatting on Linked In about abuse for several months now. She has kindly put together a list to help you see if you or anyone in your life is being abused. Recognizing it, is the first step.

Characteristics of an Abuser

  1. Probably witnessed abuse as a child. 
  2.  Possessive and jealous, often imagines you are having affairs. May be jealous of family, friends or even own children. 
  3.  temper- either flares up over every little thing or let’s anger build up then explodes. 
  4. Blames others. Does not accept responsibility for his/her anger or actions. 
  5. Tells you it is all your fault. projects own faults onto you ( If you didn’t do this I wouldn’t…) 
  6. May blame alcohol and or drugs for abusive behavior ( well I was drinking…I didn’t know what I was doing….what do you expect? 
  7. Jekyll and Hyde personalities. Charming to people outside the family and tires to keep the abuse hidden. 
  8. Has rigid ideas of the roles of men and women. ( A man is the head of the house, the woman is expected to do what he tells her to do. 
  9. May have problems with the law, not always. 
  10. May behave in a threatening or intimidating way…weapons etc. 
  11. Tries to isolate you, discourages you seeing family and friends…religious cults fall into this area. May discourage you from getting a better education. 
  12. Tries to control your behaviours, may try to control your thoughts through brainwashing techniques. 
  13. Verbal abuse ( insults, put-downs, name calling) 
  14. What ever you do he or she says it is wrong. 
  15. Will do what ever it takes to drive you away and whatever it takes to get you back—grad the kids or apologize profusely, send flowers, take you out for dinner, very real tears, promises everything, I’ll go to church I’ll go to counseling, I’ll stop drinking, I’ll never hit you again..etc 
  16. Promises to change but never does. 
  17. When physical abuse occurs it follows a patten. 
  18. Minimizes the seriousness of the abuse. 
  19. After an explosion, he/she feels better and can’t understand why you remain upset.

Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is an author of the forthcoming book,  Orgasm For Life, certified life coach, hypnotherapist, Master energy healer and mother of three. She empowers women and men to love themselves fearlessly. She assists women to be multi-orgasmic, healing sexual dysfunction in women. She is available for private sessions, coaching, workshops and speaking engagements. She has appeared on hundreds of radio stations and television. 

Her website is:

Her via e-mail here: [email protected]

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