The following article is an excerpt from my book, Orgasm For Life. Readers please note, that I work with men and women with addictions. Pornography has been scientifically proven to be an assault to our senses, like watching beheading on You Tube. It negatively affects our psyches.
Chapter TwelveFear and Pornography
Pornography tells lies about women. But pornography tells the truth about men. —John Stoltenberg
Pornography works on the primal level. Men are visual, women are emotional, relationship based. Women are turned on in their minds rather than through their eyes. We all have our unconscious issues. Men are turned on seeing a beautiful body, women are often turned on by men with money. Women from a primal level want to feel secure, to raise their family.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, fear plays a large part in women’s dryness, lack of arousal, or in overall pleasure. Generations of women have been in fear of rape, molestation, assault, and disrespect. Men are motivated by sex, while women have been in fear of men for thousands of years. Laying fears to rest is what happens in a
committed, loving relationship. The fear of pregnancy is often one of the biggest issues faced by young women today. It permeates our lives from the onset of menstruation through menopause. Men rarely understand how debilitating that fear can be. Abortions are not an option as protection, yet, even with protection many of us have gotten pregnant.
Pregnancy changes our lives, forever. When faced with being a single parent at an early age, abortion looks like the way. Birth control is not perfect. Using it every time makes it more successful. Even when birth control is used, pregnancy can still result. It is something I had to face as a single woman. My 18-year old daughter is the result. It is not a simple decision. The energy of it remains with you in your cells. It needs to be forgiven or cleared.
One-night stands increase fears, limiting beliefs about the self, and insecurities for some women. Pornography has done more to damage women’s issues with men, than it has to enhance it. We fear we won’t be sexy enough, won’t perform the way the porn
stars do and will disappoint you in the bedroom. We can’t compete with women who have breast implants and twenty-two inch waists. We are not porn stars. The standard of beauty and sexiness of porn stars creates one real women can’t possibly live up to.
Women long to be accepted, revered, and loved. Porn has ruined our marriages and is ruining society. 56% of all divorces are citing obsessive use of pornography with one party. Pornography has dehumanized women. It has caused men to view women as objects. It detaches their personalities from their bodies, for their personal gratification, rather than as people who have feelings. There is a level of brutality in porn that teaches men that it’s okay to be brutal with women, or cast them aside after they have come.
Porn creates boredom with men’s own wives, says Rabbi Shmuley. In an interview with Oprah, Rabbi Shumley explained that pornography portrays women as one of four degrading archetypes: “They’re either a ‘greedy gold-digger,’ ‘mindless playmate,’ ‘insatiable nymphomaniac,’ or ‘one who craves pain,’” Rabbi Shmuley says. This creates the most insidious view of women, causing men to detach and not form meaningful or romantic relationships with them.
Depression Linked to Porn
Men studied in a recent pornography survey were found to have more sick days and more depression than those who did not view porn at all. Porn creates loners, who shun social interaction, which
is needed for psychological health. Humans need social interaction to survive. Remember the study about the infant children who died without human touch?
Pornography, like any other addiction, can harm all that is good in your life. It hurts children, causes teens to view women in a way nature never intended for, and creates a society that is brutal rather than loving. A Norwegian study of 400 couples found that couples who watched porn together had the most satisfying sex lives with better relationships than when only one person watched porn. There are no secrets in the Universe; people will eventually find out. If you do it, your kids will, too.
Children Watching Porn
Children are having their first encounter with porn as early as age eleven. What are we creating in our world? Teens are watching porn, then having their first sexual experience using porn as a guide. Many boys are growing up without a solid role model at home. Fathers fail to teach their sons how to respect, then make love to a woman. Boys are using porn as a teaching tool.
Teenage boys today view girls as objects. They take their virginity without regard for what she is giving to him, or how it changes her life. Before the boy has kissed her good-bye he is lining up the next one. There is no remorse, no conscience, no regret, no feeling. Porn is creating teens so disconnected from themselves, and others. Their self-esteem is low and depression rampant. Suicide in males between the ages of 10 and 24 is the third leading cause of death in the US.
Porn is a waste of your sexual energy that could be focused in loving ways on your spouse. Watching pornography is like gambling. The first time you try it, you find it fun, and alluring. When you go back the second time, you are hooked. It becomes an addiction. Like any addiction, it can ruin relationships and families. Pornography is based on fiction; it is not real. It is like spending your entire day in front of vampire shows on television, then expecting everyone to be a vampire in your world.
Most people have had indiscriminate sex at some point. Today, my belief is that sexual acrobatics with strangers is on the decline where relationships based on love, authenticity, trust, and honesty are on the rise. Women are becoming powerfully successful in all areas of their lives. As women become more powerful, they are more in charge of their sex lives, not in fear of being alone. Looking for someone because you are afraid of being alone is the worst reason to date or become intimate. What you will find is someone who will disrespect you, then further your misery, rather than the other way around.
Jennifer Elizabeth Masters is a sex coach and educator. Her focus is on loving yourself fearlessly. When we love and accept ourselves unconditionally, our relationships become easier. We attract healthier situations. If you have a sexual addiction, or porn addiction she can help you with compassion. To work with her or visit her website the links below. E-mail Jennifer to set up a discovery session or ask questions here: JenniferElizabethMasters@gmail.com