What Fuel Are You Using To Fan The Flames Of Your Love?

By Jennifer Elizabeth Masters

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back. Barbara de Angelis

It is a great accomplishment today to stay with your spouse or partner because you are happy together. Many married couples stay together often for financial reasons, barely speaking and rarely connecting intimately. Couples that are happy together focus on each other’s positive traits rather than their flaws and faults. 

I have a true love story for you. 

Two years ago a woman, I will call Cynthia found me in a Boulder, Colorado magazine. Diagnosed with breast cancer, she wanted to heal naturally. Cynthia knew intuitively that there was something inside her causing the disease. 

We began working together to heal her body. The core of all healing comes from within. Breast cancer comes from several things. There is an underlying refusal to nourish the self, holding onto old hurts, over mothering, overprotection carrying hatreds and deep-seated resentment. For every illness and disease, there is a thought and emotion that came before it that created the issue. 

Cynthia and Peter had been married for 25 years. Cynthia was attracted to Peter because he was so different from her father. Her father was a strong, powerful and very successful man that Cynthia worked hard to please. She even attended the university she thought would please her father and received a degree in what was considered a man’s profession. She always felt she fell short of making her father happy. 

Cynthia was a strong woman on the outside a successful professional, and active member of the community. Cynthia had high expectations and was a perfectionist. Peter was a soft, gentle man, unlike her Dad. Cynthia tried much of their marriage to mold her husband into her father, the man she could never seem to please. Although they had the appearance of success, two teenage children, and a beautiful home, there was a distance and disconnection between them. Sex was a rare event and a chore for Cynthia. Cynthia was irritated by Peter. He was unfocused and ungrounded. She blamed him for much of her discontent and unhappiness. 

Over the course of our coaching sessions, we worked to shift the way Cynthia felt about herself. We healed her limiting beliefs and patterns of low self-esteem. We released the trapped emotions that were crippling her. Cynthia began to soften her gaze. She stopped beating herself up for every little thing. Instead of seeing how she failed, she saw her successes. She also recognized that it was her perception rather than the truth that her father didn’t love her. 

As Cynthia began to look at the positive instead of the negative, everything shifted. She began to recognize her talents, abilities, and gifts. She started to see herself differently. Instead of feeling that she was a failure, she could see her success. As Cynthia looked at herself through the eyes of love, she began to let go of perfection. 

As Cynthia saw the benefits of working with me, Peter became a client as well. Working with each of them separately began to heal their personal issues. Cynthia’s relationship with her husband began to soften; walls came down. Peter let go of past pain from his childhood and raised his awareness. Each individual working on their internal issues made incredible differences in the way they engaged each other. Their conversations stopped being adversarial and negative. Their love for one another strengthened and grew.

Gradually their relationship improved and so did their sex lives. Instead of being triggered by one another, they took responsibility for their own feelings, recognizing that it came from a place long ago. Instead of wanting time apart they began planning weekends away together. 

Instead of focusing on Peter’s flaws, faults and how different Peter was from her father, she began to love him for who he was, rather

than trying to change him. Cynthia allowed him to have his experiences in life rather than trying to control or make him perfect.

After our work together, Cynthia has reported to me that she is more in love with Peter now than she ever was. She moved out of her mind and into her heart. Her heart if fanning the flames of the positive attributes rather than focusing on what is missing. Peter opened up in ways he never had been able to before. He had a confidant in me, that allowed him a safe place to vent and gain understanding of himself and his wife.

Commitment to change and grow is all that is needed to save a marriage. When one person decides that they are ALL IN, rather than wanting out, and can let go of the need to control the other, miracles can happen. Rather than living in fear, they have rebuilt trust. When you recognize, there is nothing to fear, Miracles are a breath away, all you need is to decide. Love is always there, sometimes hidden under anger and past hurts. 

What Can You Do To Fuel Your Love?

  1. Stop blaming. When we blame someone else for our unhappiness we are not taking responsibility for ourselves. Blame is easy. Taking responsibility takes some maturity and personal growth. Recognize you are not a victim. If you have had past trauma, let’s get it healed. It won’t go away on it’s ow. Believe me I know. It is what I spent 30 years doing.
  2. Look within. If you are getting upset with your partner you are being triggered by a past event. Usually what you are angry about has nothing to do with the other person. Ask yourself, when have I felt like this before? Did it have something to do with your mother, father or someone else? 
  3. Get some help. Marital issues can rarely be fixed from within the marriage. In other words, it takes a fresh pair of eyes to see what is really going on. 
  4. Be kind. Be kind to yourself and your spouse. Focus on the positive, rather than highlighting the negative. You fell in love with them for a reason. What was it?
  5. Spend quality time together.  Getting connected requires quiet, intimacy and turning off media, television and locking your bedroom door. Avoiding one another does no good and increases the chasm between you. 
  6. Love yourself first. If you don’t love you, it will be very difficult to receive love from another. Notice do you push hugs away. Do you resent your partners advances? Why not begin to allow love in and fan those flames with kindness, appreciation and generosity rather than anger, acid or resentment. Love is always present we just have to be open enough to see and feel it.

How much does your marriage mean to you? Thinking that the grass is greener on the other side won’t get you to happiness either. Until you do the work to heal your patterns, you will continue to

attract similar relationships that don’t fulfill you because you don’t love and accept yourself. Are you ready to commit to yourself? Are you with me? Do you want to be happy with you and your life? If so, send me an e-mail and let’s have a conversation about partnering together to have the happiness you so deserve. 

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All Rights Reserved 2016               © JENNIFER ELIZABETH MASTERS
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