Consensual sex is when both parties agree that they will move forward and become intimate. We need to consent before kissing, touching, fondling and sexual contact begins. Sexual fondling without consent is assault. Sex without consent is rape. Kinky sex without consent could also end up being termed battery depending on the incident.
Talking about what is about to happen is paramount. Just because someone attempts to kiss, touch or fondle doesn’t mean we have to allow it.
In fact, if we want a relationship having sex too soon could preclude us from having what we want. Women have a tendency to feel they must give sex up to have what they want. The reverse is true. The longer you wait to have sex the more able you are to see what the other’s intentions are. If they only want sex, they will be
on their way very quickly.
If you sext nude body parts to get a man’s attention you won’t be considered marriage material, so think before you do. Teens need to be educated to understand that just because others sext or request sexting doesn’t mean you have to do it.
How do you want to be viewed?
Today more than ever before we have Tinder, Match.com, Plenty of Fish, E-Harmony, Ok Cupid, in fact, thousands of dating sites on the Internet. Every fetish and sexual predilection are available at the touch of a finger. We live in a society where limits are stretched and breached daily. Consent is something that we don’t think about before hugging someone or telling our children to go kiss Aunt Nell. A hug when the other person doesn’t want it crosses boundaries. Even attempting to force your partner or spouse to kiss or perform a sex act when they don’t want to is crossing boundaries.
Women and children have been molested, assaulted and raped for hundreds of years and it seems little is being done about it. Today the ramifications of leniency towards the perpetrators and ignoring the facts about date rape isn’t helping. Imagine a six-month sentence for a sexually assault, reduced to only three months for ex-Stanford swimmer Brock Turner.
Many famous men like Bill Cosby, Donald Trump, Hollywood Producers, and others are publicly on the carpet for rape, sexual assault, and molestation. This morning the headlines read: Dozens Come Forward At University of Wisconsin’s College campus. Alec Cook was charged and released after sexually assaulting one woman, then re-arrested when twenty others came forward.
1 in 5 women is raped on college campuses every year. The “boys will be boys,” argument is flawed. No needs to mean no! Where do teens learn that no means no? At home. Why aren’t parents teaching their boys that no means no? Overindulgent parents, absentee parents for various reasons and a society that feels kids should have whatever they want without ramifications for wrong-doing is the cause.
Between 60 and 80% of rapes are committed by acquaintances. Rape is a sexual assault that takes place without your willingness or consent. If you say “no,” and sex continues it is considered rape. Understanding the legal definition of date rape will enlighten everyone. If you say, “Please stop,” and the advances continue, you have been raped or sexually assaulted.
When we explain bad behavior away, we are giving it free range. Children and young girls are often not heard, that say they have experienced assault or rape by cavalierly stating that “boys will be boys,” like The Big Twelve Commissioner, Bob Boslby has done publicly.
When a woman says no, that does not mean forcibly kiss fondle or touch her. Women need to be empowered to recognize someone who doesn’t respect her choice. We might not recognize the fact that our past childhood experience triggers our reactions when touched or spoken to in a certain way. If you date someone after they have pushed you beyond your choosing, you are in for a world of trouble and challenges. Someone who pushes your boundaries and doesn’t listen to your resistance and verbal queues doesn’t respect you. Without respect, we can’t trust. Beginning a relationship without trust has no foundation for survival.
Whether it is a choice to have a kinky experience, to have sex with a partner or not is a choice. Sex isn’t what keeps a relationship. Thinking that giving in to another’s needs will fulfill your own when you aren’t interested is suppressing your personal choice and free will.
If you have engaged in sexual behavior you didn’t want because of past sexual molestation, shame and guilt will be present. When we have sexual molestation in our childhood, our boundaries may be non-existent. To shore up boundaries, we need to know what we want and don’t want. We need to be clear with ourselves.
Know yourself. Be true to yourself. If you want, a relationship doesn’t engage with a married person. A married man won’t be emotionally available to you. We always have choices. If you are at a party and know you let your guard down with drugs alcohol, don’t use them. Stay safe by knowing your limits. Never leave your drink unattended. Order beer and hold it rather than set it on the bar or table.