We have all been there. We feel stuck, blocked and unhappy. Our sex life might be bland or non-existent and arguments and strife might be what we consume for breakfast. It doesn’t feel good to not be on the same page as our partners. The easiest way for us to feel better is to blame the other person. The problem with blame is it makes us a victim and as you know none of us are. We make choices and are where we are because of the beliefs we have and the decisions made.
When we feel unhappy we look to the other person as the source of our unhappiness. However, taking responsibility for where we are is something that each of us has to do to begin to shift our energy and change direction from negative thinking which blocks to gratitude and the downward spiral of negativity.
Responsibility is the key to healing. JEM
Once we recognize that we are in blame, we have to change our focus and look for ways to resolve the mess we feel we are in. In order to solve a problem, we have to look at it from a perspective we haven’t used yet. Begin by using a query to uncover the truth. Ask yourself the following questions and write your answers in a journal. I feel your resistance and I get it. Writing involves a little inner work to get the clarity we need. Introspection and clarity will set you free and allow you to shift quickly. Basically, when we refuse to look inside it is because we are in denial of the truth using the small part of us (ego) believing we are right and the other(s) are wrong. Remember the reason we are in a relationship in the first place is to grow and evolve not stagnate and blame.
Journaling your answers also gives you a baseline to return to in a week, month or a year to see how far you have come.
- Have I set healthy boundaries?
- Have I kept silent about issues that upset me?
- Have I griped, groaned and complained rather than looked for a solution?
- Is my mindset negative?
- Am I only seeing my partner’s negative qualities and refusing to recognize their wonderful side?
- How do I feel about myself? Am I overweight? Am I depressed? Am I complaining rather than living in a state of gratitude?
Now that you have some insight, can you see what you can do to change the course of history and the way you feel? Our feelings are a barometer for the three “Cs.” Clarity, Cour-Correction and Congratulations. Once you feel better take the time to congratulate yourself for recognizing your patterns. Old patterns mean we are living in the past and dragging it into your present circumstances. We can’t evolve beyond where we are by living under the shadow of old stories, limiting beliefs and programming. Think of it this way, imagine watching Leave It To Beaver today or Little House on The Prairie. How do you feel? Those old television programs are like the old programs that are running your current day reality. We can choose something different. The way we change old programming is by choosing to respond differently.
It is not the event that causes the damage, it is our reaction and response to it that creates our programming
Maybe you have an issue with your mother which also bubbles over into your current romantic relationship. Perhaps mommy is critical, cold and negative. Is she the problem? Maybe she didn’t love you the way you wanted to be loved. The little you probably would say, “Damn straight she’s the problem and always has been!” Remember what was stated earlier about taking responsibility? Blaming mommy (or anyone) makes us a victim. I know I did it for years. My mother was my kryptonite! I could be strong, powerful and authentic with everyone but my mother. When I was in my mother’s presence it was as if all my strength was drained from me. Why? Because I was operating with my small child Jennifer programming. I became the people-pleaser, making mommy happy. I used to do everything in my power to keep peace with my mother and keep her happy because I wanted her to love me. I even married a man because she told me to. My mother was so worried about what her friends would think about me living with a man. My mother was very worried about appearances. Appearance and keeping up with the Joneses is an ego-based program.
Worrying about what other’s think of us is none of our business. JEM
What have you done to make your mother or someone else happy? What have you given up in the process? Are they any happier as a result of your cartwheels and twisting yourself into a pretzel? The truth is, no one can make anyone else happy. Our mother’s happiness isn’t our responsibility. Our spouse’s happiness isn’t our responsibility either.
- Be honest with yourself. How much energy have you spent attempting to do what other’s wanted you to do? Stop wasting your precious energy and power on another person.
- Instead of staying mute use your words and voice to state what you want and don’t want.
- Set healthy boundaries with others. Remember every day you are training others how you want to be treated. If you have allowed the behavior to continue, it could take a little time to retrain others. Be consistent. Think of the other person as a little puppy or a child. Each time someone attempts to get you to do something recognize the manipulation. Just say, “That doesn’t work for me, it is not what I want for myself.”
- Watch your emotional reaction to other people. Remember no one can “make you feel or do anything.” You are in control of the way you feel.
- Don’t stew or boil over what others do or ask of you. Remember your reaction to their requests, prodding or insistence doesn’t have to continue. Tell them, “No, thank you.”
- Get clarity on what you want and don’t want. Most people are unclear about what they want and don’t want which creates issues within relationships.
- Notice what you feel. If someone is pushing your boundaries, anger may bubble up. Anger is there for a reason so that we recognize when our boundaries are being crossed. We have to put our hand up and say stop.
- Until our behavior changes, we have not changed. If you are still doing and acting the way you did as a child you are responding with old programming.
- Move out of fear of the new and different knowing you are safe and worthy. What another person says or does is not who you are. No one defines you but you. Stand in compassion and self-love using the, “I LOVE ME,” mantra.
The amazing thing about our brain is that it creates new synapses – hence new programs when we are consistent with new behavior. Mantras work when we use them consistently. We can reprogram hate, anger, shame, guilt, and all of our negative emotions to be different. In the past, my mother would illicit guilt from all of us kids. I stopped allowing her to “make me feel,” guilty. If a program continues long enough it is imprinted in our cellular memory. Our cellular memory can be changed, I’ve done it. When we reprogram our cellular memory we heal cancer, tumors, Fibromyalgia, auto-immune disease, anxiety, depression. All of it can be healed by thinking differently. Meditation, mantras and coaching will help you get there faster. It took me over thirty years on my own. When we want something different and are sick and tired of being sick and tired, we persevere every day. Working on ourselves isn’t something we do here and there, it is a daily practice that changes our lives so that we have a magical life full of wonder, joy, and happiness; it is where I live and breathe every day.
Part of my work involves Telesummits where I have a 90-minute interview so you can hear me live and receive a free gift or purchase a package that is an incredible saving. I am involved with several Telesummits in the next two months. You Wealth Revolution and Radiant Intuitive Woman are the most recent. I’d love it if you would join me and many wonderful healers like famous movie star Dee Wallace on the Radiant Intuitive Woman Summit happening right now.
Can’t do this alone? You don’t have to. Let’s set up a time to talk. I’d love to hear about your situation and see how I can help. Send me an e-mail and we’ll set up a time to chat.