Having a parent with narcissism leads to challenging issues in our relationships, the ability to bond, be intimate, and our self-esteem. Since mothers are the most pivotal relationship in our lives, a narcissistic mother can destroy a sense of self (individuality) and our ability to thrive or be happy in life.
How I Used Illness To Heal My Deepest Wounds
My mother has impacted my life in countless ways, both positive and not. Since she was orphaned at the age of five, her wounds were deep. I have done my best to be compassionate and love her unconditionally. In this family, I was the scapegoat, the one blamed for everything including ruining the life of the perpetrator in my life after being molested by him for many years.
A push-pull dynamic perpetuates the relationship with a narcissist. The narcissist will manipulate you and your feelings by berating, criticizing or put-downs. They triangulate and stir things up with other family members, keeping you off balance and using guilt and shame to get you to do what they want.
Narcissists are rarely diagnosed because they feel there is nothing wrong with them. They rarely go for therapy or counseling. They have grandiose ideas, feel better than everyone else and know everything. They will never say they are sorry. They have no empathy or sympathy. They cannot feel love. They do not bond with their children and cannot be intimate.
A Narcissist is often competitive and jealous of their children and what they have. They will do everything in their power to diminish others so that they feel better about themselves. They will destroy relationships and others’ happiness. They do not delight in other’s joy or success. You cannot appease or make a narcissist happy. Nor can you change them.
Why It Is So Difficult To Let Go
As a result, hope springs eternal. A child of a narcissistic parent we hope and pray that they will change. We fantasize and dream about the loving parents even manufacturing stories in our heads in an attempt to make sense of what was real. We so want to be loved and accepted by our parents that we invest our time, love and years into giving to them, pleasing them and attempting to make them happy. Alas we cannot.
The Scapegoat and The Goldenchild
The pathology present in families with a narcissistic parent; one child is the scapegoat and blamed for everything and another is the golden child, revered no matter how devious or rotten they may be. In my family, the golden child is the man who molested me.
Narcissists Are Happier and Mentally Tough
Because narcissists feel much less than the rest of us, they are healthier than most of us! A study by Queens University Belfast found that one type of narcissist, grandiose was more resilient which offset symptoms of depression.
- People with this trait also had lower levels of stress.
- Vulnerable narcissists were more likely to be defensive and view the behavior of others as hostile.
- Narcissists don’t suffer from the deep array of feelings and emotions that most of us do.
- It is the repression of our emotions that can get the rest of us seriously sick.
Emotions and Illness
Repressed anger from not speaking our truth with someone very close to us results in a sinus infection. Pneumonia is the result of deep wounds that won’t heal. When we continue to engage in a relationship with a narcissist we allow them to continue to abuse us.
We don’t have to continue to allow ourselves to be abused. In order for us to feel safe, completely open our hearts and love ourselves completely we may have to let these relationships go.
A Softening Into Deeper Love
And so we need to learn that the narcissist parent does not define who we are. Softening our self-criticism and opening our hearts more helps us to step into the highest version of ourselves.
Narcissists cannot help themselves. Their criticism and self-hatred are re-directed towards those closest to them. It doesn’t mean we need to continue to allow them to beat us up. We can choose to walk away and love them from afar.
Staying In An Abusive Relationship
We cannot change what is any more than we can change another person. Keeping ourselves out of harm’s way means there comes a time when enough is enough and we may choose to walk away from the abuse, demeaning behavior to support our highest and best good. As narcissists reach the end of life, their behavior becomes much more transparent it may become increasingly difficult to engage with them.
Opening our hearts fully will lead to our freedom and transformation into the highest versions of ourselves. In the next few weeks, we will be diving deep into the heart chakra where the source of joy resides.
We Must Remember What We Are Here For
Each of us deserves to love, be loved and be happy. We are meant to lovingly accept ourselves. A narcissist can impede our ability to make the further process in our evolution. Remembering who we truly are, a radiant light being having a human experience. Love is who we are. Love is what we are meant to feel. We can end the contracts with those we no longer want to engage with lovingly. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, it just means we love ourselves more.
You have the power within to heal. Whether it is to eliminate fears, find yourself, become empowered, receive more joy all of this is just the beginning of the possibilities my clients have received. I create a sacred space to process, let go and transform your wounds into love. Book your FREE session to discover how to experience a deeper connection, love, and joy for yourself.
For more information on narcissistic relationships check out our archives!